As I was sitting on our couch it turned on, like a light switch. I had not felt it for months. I was not expecting it. I never am. It is the dreaded "visitor" that you never expect at your door. It is like a burglar in the night. You prepare for it with "alarms," "locks," and "security systems," but it still manages it invade your "private space". It is truly a villain, devil, scoundrel, brute, and mischief-maker. It corrupts you, degrades you, demeans you, demoralizes you, impairs you, undermines you, and violates you. Who is this horrible "monster" you ask? Why have I not rid myself of this toxic person or thing, you may be thinking. The reason is, you cannot completely rid yourself of it. It is not a person or "thing" that has a form.
It is depression.
Depression is the one emotion I have not been able to fully overcome. I have been able to go months at a time without it rearing it's grisly head, but it still trysts around in the corners of my mind.
Two nights ago it besieged me like an assassin. I was literally just sitting on my couch, minding my own business, when this gunshot of anxiety mixed with fathomless bleakness overcame me.
All I could do was reach out for those who understand this type of misery and me. Fortunately I have a husband who has a heart of pristine gold, and he knows exactly how to show affection towards me during these morose times. I also have a beautiful, social media, mental health, community who share the most empathetic stories and words of encouragement during those times. I also have three of the most dear best friends a girl could ask for (who I will talk about in the next blog). Lastly, a family who's support means the world.
Two night's ago I turned to my C.S. Lewis annotated Bible. When I opened my Bible a note from my darling Grandmother, who is 91 years old flew out.
It read:
"If you once made a great mistake in life do not allow it to cloud the rest of your life, but by locking it secretly in your heart, make it yield strength and character."
-Streams in the Desert
During my bouts of deep depression I often reflect on the sins in my past, and this creates even deeper despair. This verse from my Grams, falling out of my Bible, was a true gift from the Lord that night which led me to look up more verses from
Streams in the Desert:
As I read the promises from my Lord and Savior in these verses...
I found my peace.
I know this all too well myself, as I was just thinking I haven't had an episode in months , it's bound to happen eventually! I am finally getting to the bottom of it: panic disorder, PTSD , questionable bi-polar for years, addiction, co- dependency. They were all right when they said to get clean, rid myself of my addictions and behaviors. Holy cow! What a difference my life is clean and sober! I feel so much better. That and a relationship with Jesus Christ my savior . Amen to that. Take care sister, your not the only one <3
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kayla, for this offering of yourself. I have received a feeling of CALM that I needed this very minute.
ReplyDelete