"...he must seek Him to find her"

From the split second the Lord swept over me on my apartment floor, as I detail in the post "It Was Then That I Carried You" I was redeemed mentally, emotionally, physically, and most importantly spiritually. All of my SLA behaviors were healed, later my anxiety symptoms would almost completely diminish. I remember having a conversation with my brother declaring that I was not going to go on a date for at least a year, so that I could grow closer to Jesus. I had been on a Christian dating website for a little while, and when I went to deactivate my account I noticed I only had one chemistry match. This was extremely odd. When I was streaming on the site I was receiving close to ten chemistry matches a day. When I logged on to the site that day, it was the first time I had logged on in a few weeks. I should have had close to thirty chemistry matches; not just one. I clicked on the profile and was undoubtedly impressed with this man. He was handsome, had a beautiful testimony for the Lord, was a UCLA Law Graduate, successful, sounded like he was entertaining. I prayed immediately.  The first thing I did after was email the dating site's customer service to see why I had not been receiving matches. They said, "You only receive chemistry matches with those that are best suited to you; sometimes that is a large number, sometimes that is a small number." I thought to myself, "Those that are best suited to you, and I have only one chemistry match". I ended up writing him a little note....

That was in the month of March. From the month of September to March I had been redefining my definition of romantic relationships because my previous definitions failed miserably. My previous definition was Rescue Relationship. The central focus of this type of relationship appears to be on being able to heal the damage of a dysfunctional childhood or earlier hurting and damaging relationships. It is often a relationship of the walking wounded. "The healing that takes place during the course of the relationship is the central theme." Source: Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee. "Instead of healing, a new forum for replaying earlier traumas opens up. Partners have the capacity to wound and abuse each other ...the hopes for rescue and comfort that led to the relationship are buried and forgotten."
Before my spiritual redeeming, I was looking for men to save me, because I was broken, and was still shutting out the Lord. I was constantly looking for Prince Charming...in very irrational places. I had little standards for myself and little standards in men. I have been in about four relationships. The first relationship I was needing to be rescued. That ended in my having the biggest breakdown of my life, and a near suicide attempt. The second relationship I was needing to be rescued. That ended in an over four year battle with drugs and alcohol (he and I total), me getting cheated on, and resulted in another horrific mental breakdown that resulted in suicidal thoughts. The third relationship I needed to be rescued. That ended in two years of violent abuse with threats of murder to both my family and I and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The fourth relationship...I was already saved.

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” Maya Angelou

This quote had become my new dating life verse. Quite a transformation from my past, wouldn't you say? When "Chemistry Match" and I began emailing it was so miraculous. I just new in my heart. When we began to text message it was phenomenal. I just new in my heart. What made him stand out were the lack of sexual references he made, and innuendos, and perverse jokes. Our humor consisted of "How many funny 'pet names' can we think of? He came up with "Brown Sugar" and that is my nickname to this day. His walk with the Lord was even in his "Hello". 

By this time I was 25 years old, with my blindfolds off, born-again Christian, and at an age where I could meet someone I would marry. As a Christian, this is where I stand on marriage in the words of
Rick Warren: When people want to know about how do you make a marriage work, I say marriage is a work of art. And it’s half art and it’s half work. It literally does take work. Great marriages are not accidental. They are international and it takes work.

I don’t believe in the phrase “incompatibility”. I honestly believe that any two people can be compatible if you grow up. The bottom line is, I want what I want, you want what you want, and that’s just selfishness.

And the purpose of marriage is to teach you to grow up. It’s to teach you to be unselfish. We all think marriage is to meet all my needs. Well in the first place there are many needs you have in your life that your husband or your wife will never be able to meet. And so you’re setting yourself up for major disappointment if you ever think you’re going to find the man or woman who’s going to meet all your needs. You won’t. Only God can meet all your needs. And a lot of people get married looking in their husband or wife to fulfill a need that only God can fulfill. And it just causes disappointment, frustration, bitterness, and anger.

As a pastor now for over 30 years, I’ve counseled many, many couples through marriage problems and pre-marital counseling. All marriage problems come down to one of five areas: money, sex, in-laws, communication and children.

When Kay and I got married, we went five for five in the first month. And our marriage was down dooby-doo down, down. And we were in love, but we did not get along because we were the exact opposite in every single DNA cell of our bodies. I say high, she says low. I say why, she says I don’t know. It’s ob-la-di, ob-la-da. We are literally totally opposite of each other; but that can be a good thing if you’re willing to grow.

I’ve grown more from my wife than from any other person. She’s grown more from me than from any other person. Because if you have the same strengths, then you tend to have the same weaknesses. So you both get depressed at the same time. You both get up at the same time. And marriage is complimentary. It’s not competition. It’s not 50/50. It’s 100/100. It’s learning to offer yourself to the other person, and they offer themselves to you. And it’s, “Well I’ll go this far if you go this far.” It’s 100/100. It’s learning to be unselfish. And so I believe that there are things you can only learn in marriage. If you don’t get married, you need to get in some other kind of close relationship where you have to give yourself away. And I strongly believe in taking care of nieces and nephews, and helping with kids and things like that. If marriage teaches you unselfishness, having a kid really teaches you unselfishness. Because all of a sudden you just can’t live on your own schedule. You have to think of somebody else first. It’s work, but it’s worth it. (www.rickwarren.org) 

I knew I wanted to date "Chemistry Match," but I knew I needed to date him in a completely different way. Here were my new guidelines and I will one day share these with my own children to protect them from my pain:

Guard your heart.

The Bible tells us to be very careful about giving our affections, because our heart influences everything else in our life.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).


You are known by the company you keep.
We also tend to become like the company we keep. This principle is closely related to the first one and is just as important in friendships as in dating.
Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33).


Christians should only date other Christians.
Although it is fine for Christians to have non-Christian friends, those who are especially close to our heart should be mature believers who are seeking to follow Christ with their lives.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Is it really love?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 defines real love. Ask yourself these questions:
Are you patient with each other?
Are you kind to each other?
Are you never envious of each other?
Do you never boast to or about each other?
Is your relationship characterized by humility?
Are you never rude to each other?
Are you not self-seeking?
Are you not easily angered with each other?
Do you keep no record of wrongs?
Are you truthful with each other?
Do you protect each other?
Do you trust each other?

With these standards cemented in my heart, mind, and soul I met "Chemistry Match" for a dinner date. When we met, we just knew, because the Lord directed our paths. He told me that his online account had expired, and that the dating website would only keep him active to communicate with me alone. We just knew, because God was with us. We talked for hours, and held each other's hand (we had talked for weeks up until this date). We just knew, because God was guiding our conversations. We would have our first innocent kiss. The next day we would have our second date, then we would spend every day together after that. Nine months later we said "I do" and I married Pete, my "Chemistry Match. 

I'm so blessed that before I met him...I was saved.