As I lay in bed last night, the first night that I was aware that our baby was with Jesus, I found myself talking to the Lord, asking the Lord to hold our baby the way we long to hold our baby. I asked Heavenly Father to nuzzle our baby's smooth head under Heavenly Father's chin, on His neck. To let His neck perfectly mold into our baby's head, and be the perfect resting place. I asked Heavenly Father to breathe in our baby's sweet scent, and be intoxicated by it. Breathing it in deeply, all the while His breath soothes our baby. I asked the He feel the in-and-out motion our baby's breathing creates, as he or she is held against Heavenly Father's chest. I requested that Heavenly Father feel the plump roundness of that sweet baby bottom, and gently pat our baby's bottom in rhythm with our baby's heart, who has the honor of mimicking Heavenly Father's own heart...the most pure heart of all. I prayed for Heavenly Father to sing a song to our baby, whispering the lyrics in our babies tiny, and impressionable ear: "All night. All day. Angels in the morning. Angels in the evening. All night. All day. Angels watching over me." This nursery rhyme holds a whole new meaning now, and completely new imagery.
Today I am praying to Heavenly Father that our baby knows that his mommy and daddy are never far away, and are ready to be with him or her at any moment, and our choice is to be there. I want our baby to know that it is not his or her parents' choice to not physically be there right now. We had zero say in this decision. It was Heavenly Father's choice, for whatever reason. I pray our baby is comforted by the true reason, and feels unconditionally loved by it. I never want our baby to feel alone, or abandoned. Never. Not for a split second. I want our baby to feel that I carry him or her still, in my spirit, and my spirit was created by Heavenly Father; just as our baby's spirit was created by Heavenly Father. We are with one another through our spirit, even when we are not physically with one another. I am relieved to know our baby is being doted on in Heaven by his or her great-grandparents, who are beyond thrilled to be holding our baby in honor of Mommy and Daddy.

I feel you my Sweet Little Love. I feel you deeply. I pray that you feel Mommy and Daddy too. Mommy has to be allowed to believe that you feel me.

I am here, living to die so that I can be with you in Heaven.

For Our Sweet Baby...

Our Blessing to Our Baby:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

A Letter to My Baby 

(Written by Kayla and read and blessed by Pete)

I did not hold you, but I felt you, and I still feel you. You are your daddy's, and your mommy's; but you are forever our Father's. The only way my mind can wrap my head around not holding you in seven and a half months, is knowing you will never, ever, know pain, or sorrow, anxiety, depression, or fear...or anything that your sweet daddy and I are feeling now. You were given to the Lord before you were even conceived, and I find grace knowing you are with him now, before you took your first breath, while your breath was still my breath. Your daddy and I hold each other today, in honor of you. Our strength is in the strength of your Heavenly Father, knowing in our souls that he is carrying you perfectly, better than we ever could, even though we so desperately want to. I know more than anything else that we will hold you in our embrace when we truly begin our lives in Heaven, your home, our real home together, once the Lord calls your daddy and I there with you. Please tell Jesus that your mommy and daddy need him more than ever before, because we do not have words to speak right now. One thing that we will never be incapable of saying, though, is that we love you sweet baby! We love you, we love, we love you. You are not dead at all, you are alive and flourishing with Heavenly Father. In fact, you know life better than your daddy and I do. For life is in Heaven, not Earth. You get to live before any of us do. What a joy that is to our hearts. Thank you Jesus for truly bringing our baby home.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy