"Worry War"

General Anxiety
I like to describe worry as spending today worrying about tomorrow, at least this is the most simplistic way to describe worry. For those that fight anxiety, panic, and paranoia; this becomes all consuming. I have already detailed in my past blogs how anxiety consumed much of my thoughts, worrying about being attacked, worrying about being followed, worrying about being made fun of, worrying about being abandoned. The list is goes on.
I can remember being in the eighth grade, walking home with one of my best friends after school and she coaching me through our whole walk. Every car that drove by, that had a certain description that I found intimidating (and was completely irrational) she had to assure me was not going to kidnap us, or pull a gun on us. I can remember people we knew would wave at us, and until I recognized them, this would bring sheer terror to my heart because I did not know know what was in their hand, or what their intentions were. I felt like a walking target everywhere I went.
The thing about worry, that I realized as I grew older, is that it can turn our thoughts into self-centered ones, and our lives are more in harmony when we are serving the needs of others. Constantly thinking that you are the focus of every driver on the street, of every family member or friend's private conversation, or look over their soldier, or stranger's thought as they walk by you, or every police officer's target, or every teacher's worst nightmare, every boss's first thought when they need to let someone go, or whatever it may be; means that you feel you are the spotlight of your anxiety's  antecedent. Of course this only makes sense if your anxiety stems from relationships, which was the source of a considerable amount of my anxiety.
It is so vital to still realize you are an individual, that is prayed for, loved, invaluable, precious, desirable, priceless, and essential to this world and the people around you. Once I was able to comprehend this about myself it was truly amazing how so many of my symptoms improved; not just the anxiety. It did take wise counsel, therapy, ridding my life of toxic relationships, working with medical professionals, and walking with the Lord, Savior, and Redeemer who makes new all things...even the once so broken me.

Panic Attacks
I used to experience panic attacks. When I was having a panic attack the first thing I typically felt was the feeling that my tongue was retreating into my throat, and it made it very hard for me to speak eloquently. I also felt like my saliva was seething and it seemed hot in my mouth. My stomach felt the way it does when you are barrelling down that sheer drop on a roller coaster. This is a bit hard to explain for those who have not experienced it, but my body would feel so hot it was freezing. I would think I was sweating, but I do not know if I actually was, or if it was just a reaction from adrenaline. Every time I had an attack I was certain I was having a heart attack, and that it would never end. These would happen regularly for a couple years, then a few times a year, then about once a year, and then would stop completely. Again, as with general anxiety without a panic attack, it took wise counsel, therapy, ridding my life of toxic relationships and decisions, working with medical professionals, and walking with the Lord, Savior, and Redeemer who makes new all things to bring me to where I am today.

Sleep Anxiety
Sleep irregularities are so common with mental illness, addiction, and abuse. For me personally, my sleep issues did not arise, until I started to have complications with medication, anxiety, and panic attacks. My sleep issues also stemmed from the decisions I was making in my life in regards to who I was dating, how I was spending my leisure time, and whether or not I was practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques ( http://www.nami.org for information on CBT ) that I learned from a trained and licensed therapist. I grew to dread the nights. I came to the point that I would not socialize in the evening, or leave my home after a certain hour. I began to take an over abundance of sleeping medication. I also resorted to alcohol on so many occasions. I became obsessed with sleep. I planned my day around going to bed at an exact time, in fear that if I did not go to bed at that time, I would have insomnia, that would lead to panic, and then an attack. When mania and hypomania was not being managed I was extremely "busy" during the night. During manic and hypomanic nights my mind was either racing, changing thought channels constantly, typically with anxious thoughts, sometimes resulting in panic attacks; or I was in on overly aerobic state. There were nights that I was jogging in the wee hours on the morning, cleaning and organizing my bedroom, chatting with friends on AIM (when AIM was still popular), watching music videos on MTV (when MTV still played music); one time when I was in a manic state and I had the notion to paint my room. I immediately went out, bought an entire stock of paint supplies, and painted almost nonstop for two days.
The fear of not sleeping became one of my biggest sources of anxiety that I had the hardest time overcoming. It took proper treatment of managing the mania and hypomania, healthy sleep habits (for me personally I was much too dependent, and abusive with sleeping medication), detoxing my body of liquor (I may have had only one cocktail in last year, alcohol actually acts as a stimulant for many people), and I repeat for the third time, it took wise counsel, therapy, ridding my life of toxic relationships and decisions, working with medical professionals, and walking with the Lord, Savior, and Redeemer who makes new all things to bring me to where I am today.

Anxiety and The Job
I do want to add, that I did need to change my career lifestyle. Not sleeping at night, and having to wake up very early in the morning was a major source of panic for me, which led to severe attacks for many years. I needed to find a line of work that worked with my abilities, with my ups downs, and in-betweens. At the moment this blog, sharing my journey, supporting others in their battle, and spreading awareness is my calling. I also need to work with people who are sensitive to my needs, and who who are a source of support. There have been times that I have not been able to work, and that was the best decision in my road to stabilization.
When I was in college and thinking about my future, school, and a career. I always knew I wanted to feel a sense of purpose with what I was doing. If I felt like I was wasting my time; I knew I would not succeed. I knew I was meant to work with children and adults with severe behavioral disorders, when I began to study it in depth. I could relate to them on a level that many others could not. I feel this is a major reason why for many years I succeeded in the field. Working in an industry that allowed me to feel a sense of purpose each day really gave me a reason to get out of bed. Also, when you are busy, and have a schedule, you have less time to obsess and live inside your thoughts and feelings.

More to come.