Stigmas and Stilettos : "Battlefield of the Mind"

After I left the nightmare of the abusive relationship I had to rebuild my life. I had to create a new identity. I had to figure out who I was on my own. I had to figure out why I made these terrible relationship choices. I wanted my family's respect and trust. I wanted to rebuild my friendships. I wanted a new start, and I was finally ready to do that because I realized my way and my life decisions were not working.
I had given up on the Lord, and I had shut him out. Doing that led me to destructive behaviors, heartache, addiction, abuse, loneliness, broken relationships, sexual addiction, and despair. I was so angry with him for the life he had "blessed" me with, for the times I had cried out to Him and I did not feel His presence, for the nights I felt completely alone, for not saving me from the struggles of Bipolar Disorder. I did not understand why He "did this to me". I was done with Him for abandoning me.

Then I remembered the Cross. I remembered the crowds. I remembered the spear in His side. I remembered the crown of thorns. I remembered the rejection. I remembered that He was His only son who paid that huge price, and He was completely innocent. I remembered the spit that was spat on His body. I remembered the nails in His wrists. I remember Him crying out, "Father! Why have You Forsaken Me?" I then felt completely humbled. I was never alone in any of this. He was there the whole time. He protected me when I was having suicidal thoughts, and I was too afraid to kill myself. I believe He gave me that fear, as a means of protection upon my life, from myself. I remembered the night I pointed my car towards the wall and pressed on the accelerator, expecting to open my eyes and see Heaven, but instead I was on my friends doorstep, being ushered into her house, into the arms of her mother, for comfort and a listening ear, which would be my first step towards healing. He took the wheel that night when I closed my eyes. He was always there. He was there speaking peace, words of wisdom, and courage into my ear when hands were wrapped around my neck and I was pinned against the wall. He was my calm, and my shield against extreme injury. He was there. He was there when I finally walked away, and He was ready to greet me with open arms. When I was ready to start a new life. In the next few months after all this, as I stumbled and sinned once again, He would be the one to finally Redeem me, and transform me in a true woman of Christ. Now today, as I tell my story to others He is here. He is here, he is here, he with you. He never gave up on me, so I could not give up on Him.

One of the first things I did was reconnect with a woman I once deeply looked up to, but had a falling out with a couple years back when I was really struggling. I longed for healing in our relationship, and after all the pain I had gone through, I longed for her sunshine. I actually met with her, before I ended my relationship with Boyfriend Two. I deeply saddened her when I told her about my loss of Faith. She was still so accepting of me. When I finally did leave "the monster" and I told her everything, she was right there for me, and has never left since. Ever since that day she has been by my side, been my cheerleader, and been an ever-present source of love and support. She was there.
She and I began a one-on-one Bible study together, that would eventually lead me back on a path towards Jesus. We studied a Joyce Meyers book called "Battlefield of the Mind." It was the perfect book to journey through together after all my experiences. Even the title perfectly describes my lifelong pain. My mind has always been a war zone. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has mental battles with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and so many other struggles that have a grasp on them. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “Our past may explain why we're suffering but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage.”
Knowing my relationship with "Sunshine" could be healed and mended, gave me confidence that other relationships could as well, and I realized through our studies that some relationships need to be left as part of our history, as a learning experience, that God uses to make us stronger and to grow in Him. As I read through this book I learned about "stinking thinking," and how important positive self-talk is so crucial in our overall mental health. My relationship with "Sunshine," our Bible study, and our conversations led me back to church. It was back to this particular church that for the first time, I felt at home in a church family. If it was not for that raw Bible study, during that crucial time in my life, with someone who truly brought me into her home and heart, and showed Christ's love for me, I do not know if my journey back to the Lord would have happened when it did. My journey still had many road bumps ahead. I still needed much clinical therapy, and so much healing from the abuse I endured.