My dreams became the place where I processed the events that had taken place in my life. A common dream of mine was being attacked by former men from past relationships. My body would be completely frozen, unable to throw a punch to defend myself. The attack dreams would happen night after night. Another common dream was for me to be physically incapable of screaming; therefore my attacker had his way with me. I believe I had these dreams because when I was being abused there were so many times I needed to be rescued. I also relived many of the real life situations I was in.
I had dreams where boys I went to school with years ago were viciously bullying me. Their slurs were so crippling to my self-esteem there were times I woke myself crying. Due to the fact that I lived in silence for so long about the living hell I was going through, I had dreams that I was throwing up my teeth, and a horrible tasting bile substance that was grainy and thick would just constantly pour out of my mouth. When I asked my therapist about this, she said that this was a common dream for people who are unable to articulate what they are feeling to those that have hurt them.
After each relationship I left, for about a year afterwards, everywhere I went I was scanning the streets for their car, or looking behind my back for them. I lived in a constant fear of running into them. This was especially apparent with my abuser. I went to graduate school with Boyfriend Two. Every time I drove onto campus a crippling fear came over my body. Everywhere I went I was afraid he would attack me, or follow me to my car as I walked back to the parking lot after class. I carried pepper spray everywhere I went.
Throughout my college career I was an honor student. I even graduated with departmental honors as an undergrad. The last two quarters I was in grad school I was a BSP at a transition center in a unit for adults with severe behavioral disorders. Many of these adults would have episodes where they became violent. It was not uncommon for the BSPs to be punched, smacked, kicked, scratched, choked, etc. This job created brought out so much post traumatic stress within me. Every time I was attacked I saw Boyfriend Two. I relived every memory each day. My anxiety took over my health, my school, and my stability. I ended up failing my classes, and dropping out of graduate school. I also quit my job. I was sick frequently, and it was common for me to have blood in my stool.
Backing up for a moment, during the time I was at that job, my paranoia of being attacked by Boyfriend Two became so terrible that I had police escorts to my classes, and to my car. Between being attacked weekly at my job, and not seeking the proper therapy after my abuse; I broke down from anxiety. If it were not for the doctors, medication, and the wonderful support from family, true friends, the healing and redeeming power of our Lord and Savior, and the man I would eventually marry; my recovery would have been ten times harder. There are still nights I have those terrible dreams.
Learning to forgive, even an abuser, another who cheated several times over, who hid a destructive life from you, put you in harms way; and those who ridiculed you; leads you to a freedom you cannot comprehend. Forgiveness does not mean allowing them to be a part of your life again. Quite the opposite. Forgiveness means not allowing them to control your future, when they had so much influence on your past.
