"It Was Then That I Carried You"

After the spotlight turned on in my heart and mind, that my life needed considerable redirection, and I progressed on the journey towards mending the fragmented pieces of my body and spirit; I realized I could not do this on my own. I felt I was too scared, too adrift, too closed up to spirituality and the church. The one thing that desperation triggered in me was getting me to pray again with hope. I do not believe I said a sincere prayer for myself in a long time. I had cried out in heartache, but an immense part of the heartache was the real belief that my prayer went unheard, and God was not there, and was even wondering if he even exists.
As I wrote in an earlier blog post "Battlefield of The Mind" one of the first actions I took was mending a relationship I had with a women I refer to as "Sunshine". She was, and still is, a beautiful woman of faith, and has a life dedicated to serving her Savior, her children, her spouse, her loved ones, and her church. The twelve steps in recovery programs share a common ninth step that talks about the mending of relationships that will help me clarify something I hold to be true. It states "Make direct amends with such people wherever possible, except when to doing so would injure them or others." I just feel the need to share this because I have learned that not everyone in our life is safe to our spirit or other's spirits to make amends with. The Bible teaches, "I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father. I would love to share "Sunshine's" life verse with you because it exemplifies what she taught me. 
"Let us not grow weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap the harvest if we do not give up." 
By sharing my story, my journey, my battles, my victories, and my now my walk with the Lord; that I never imagined, so many of my fears, anxieties, symptoms, pain have subsided. I encourage you to do the same if you feel called.

There is a man and author named Rick Warren ( www.rickwarren.org ) who talks about forgiveness that I would be honored to share with you.

Why Should You Forgive?

BY RICK WARREN — OCTOBER 18, 2013

1

“The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.”(Matthew 18:27 NIV)

God’s Word gives us three reasons why we have to let go of our hurt and resentment and why we have to forgive. We’ve got to release it instead of rehearsing it. There are three reasons we must forgive.

1. Because God forgives you.
   In Matthew 18, Jesus tells the story of a king who forgives his servant. Verse 27 says, “The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go” (NIV). Just as the king canceled the debt of this servant, God sent Jesus Christ to pay for your debt. Everything you’ve ever done wrong in your life has already been paid for. Jesus took your rap. He paid your jail time. He took your offense and paid the wages of sin. Jesus Christ died for all of your sins.

2. Because resentment is self-torture.
   It is a self-inflicted wound. Whenever you’re resentful, it always hurts you more than the person you’re bitter against. In fact, while you’re still worrying about something that happened years ago, they’ve forgotten about it! Your past is past, and it can’t hurt you any more unless you hold on to it.

3. Because you need forgiveness every day.
   The Bible teaches very clearly that we cannot receive what we are unwilling to give. Do you want to be forgiven? The Bible says you need to be forgiving.

Forgiveness is a lifestyle. It’s not just something you do one time. You need it every day of your life. You’ve got to ask for forgiveness. You’ve got to accept forgiveness from God and from others. And you’ve got to offer forgiveness. Forgiveness must be continual. It must be enjoyed, and it must be employed.

Talk It Over

• Who is the first person that comes to mind if you were asked about the greatest hurt in your life?
• Do you ever find yourself reacting to somebody because they remind you of somebody else?

When I was a young girl we went to my big brothers' basketball games at our high school. I was a very charismatic girl, and loved to watch others who shared this trait. I also possessed a special "girly side" to my personality so I enjoyed watching the cheerleaders dance. There was one particular cheerleader who always stood out to me, so I watched her closely. I really looked up to my brothers, and was invested in their lives as a girl, so when they brought home their high school yearbooks I always read them cover to cover, innocently picturing my life at that age. The cheerleader I watched dance at the games graced the yearbook with her beautiful smile, and she was the Homecoming Queen, the only Homecoming Queen I had seen at the time. I immediately knew I wanted a crown like she wore (again this was a youngster's imagination).

About ten years went by, and many trials had entered my life. When Facebook exploded into the world I saw her face, with the same smile, appear on my friends suggestions. Me being the curious person that I am clicked on her profile, and saw she had a blog. I reviewed it, and really admired her story, just as I admired her dance. Being the extroverted person that I am, I ended up sending her a little message saying that I really appreciated her as as a young girl.

As it turns out we ended up exchanging emails, and began a long email relationship for a couple years, which turned in to phone calls and text messages, and then weekends spent together (even though we live in different states), and then the blessing of her presence at my wedding. "K" is a devout Mormon. She has been so consistent in her love for her children, her love for her husband, her love for her family, and those important in her life. She has dedicated her life to service. When I felt so "dirty" and I shared my pitfalls with her, she commonly said "My opinion of you has not changed at all".

One obstacle I had with religions in general was the conservative aspect to their teachings. Even my politics were extremely Liberal. I could not imagine being in a church that did not support my secular beliefs. Many churches, of many religions, not just my religion of the Christian faith and the Protestant church, tend to bend towards more conservative views. At that time I completely did not believe in "Organized Religion". I believed it was man-made, not what Jesus spoke about, and a way for religious organizations to make money to fund conservative politics.

"K" taught me a lot about organized religion, even though our beliefs are different in many ways. One of her her personal life verses is, "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall". Organized religion provides places for community and support. "K" offered me so much support, and still does. We do not share churches, or even many of the same religious verses, but we both share the belief in the importance of a higher power than us. One thing that is common in her life verse, and another life verse is the shared truth that the Lord can be your rock. The Bible says, "Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand". 

When I was in counseling after my abusive relationship.The Lord placed me in the office of a counselor who's walk is quite extraordinary. She was a fun woman with fiery red hair, colorful shirts, and always sat with her feet up on the couch, shoes off, exposing her comical socks. I knew this was the perfect therapist for me. Each time I entered her office I never knew what I would say, this often intimidated me. She was wonderful about engaging me in conversation so that I would open up, without even realizing it. One day I spoke about how I was too angry with the church to attend services. When I was in eighth grade my father, and several other pastors went through an experience that wrongfully tossed us out of our church family. Later in my life there were two instances where a pastor inappropriately touched my a friends body, and then made sexually suggestive remarks about my body when I was on a church sponsored trip to a lake. There were also a few other stories that left scars that I will not allude to in order to respect the privacy of those I love.

What I heard next I did not expect, and I would think broke the "rules" of therapist confidentiality. I was  basically "word vomiting" my anger, and she broke out, "Kayla! You need to go to church!" Then she told this story:

She said she was a lesbian and she grew up a Catholic. She said she always had a deep love for the Lord. She said even though she shares a closeness with her family, there is still a crack in the bond, since she came out. She said once she spoke out about her sexuality her particular Catholic church did not accept her lifestyle, or walk with the Lord whatsoever. They ended up excommunicating her from their congregation. For any reader who us not familiar with excommunication, it simply means to ban her from attending their church. She said, "Kayla. I was angry. I was so, so angry, but nothing was going to stop me from singing praises to my God". Even complete rejection and shaming from "her people". She then said, "I was ashamed, and it took me time to build up the courage, but I prayed for strength, and I knew God was bigger than my shame and anger, and the people who rejected me. Now I enter the Catholic church about once a month, or as often as I can. I sit in the back and I sing to Him. I sing His praises. He is worthy of our attendance".

I was in church that Sunday.

After I had been attending a particular Presbyterian church which was the first church I felt "at home" at in all my life I really yearned to meet a pastor who I felt spoke to my heart, other than my own father (who is a pastor of children and family ministries). There was a pastor who was also charismatic just as mentioned "K" was. "Sunshine" had also spoken of how much she admired him, and my parents had said I could really benefit from hearing his words. I ended up asking to meet with him to talk about my battle with SLA. In the start of our meeting he shared his personal journeys and it was the first time a pastor seemed "human" to me. I had met several pastors since my dad was in the ministry, and heard many stories, but his story just touched home in my heart. I do not know his whole history of course, but what he shared was God's gift to me. He is truly a pastor who exemplifies what Jesus teaches. This pastor listened to my brokenness and guided me with a servants heart. He ended up leading my husband and I in premarital counseling as we prepared our hearts and minds for marriage. We laughed because he said we are one of the more unique couples he has counseled (a future blog). His life verse is "You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand".

I now will give a quick biography of a man who's words I have turned to throughout my journey.

C.S.Lewis was raised in a church-going family in the Church of Ireland. He became an atheist at 15, though he later described his young self as being paradoxically "very angry with God for not existing".

His early separation from Christianity began when he started to view his religion as a chore and as a duty; around this time, he also gained an interest in the occult, as his studies expanded to include such topics. Lewis quoted Lucretius (De rerum natura, 5.198–9) as having one of the strongest arguments for atheism:

Nequaquam nobis divinitus esse paratam
Naturam rerum; tanta stat praedita culpa

Had God designed the world, it would not be
A world so frail and faulty as we see.

Lewis's interest in the works of George MacDonald was part of what turned him from atheism. This can be seen particularly well through this passage in Lewis's The Great Divorce, chapter nine, when the semi-autobiographical main character meets MacDonald in Heaven:

... I tried, trembling, to tell this man all that his writings had done for me. I tried to tell how a certain frosty afternoon atLeatherhead Station when I had first bought a copy of Phantastes (being then about sixteen years old) had been to me what the first sight of Beatrice had been to Dante: Here begins the new life. I started to confess how long that Life had delayed in the region of imagination merely: how slowly and reluctantly I had come to admit that his Christendom had more than an accidental connexion with it, how hard I had tried not to see the true name of the quality which first met me in his books is Holiness.

He slowly re-embraced Christianity, influenced by arguments with his Oxford colleague and friend J. R. R. Tolkien, whom he seems to have met for the first time on 11 May 1926, and by the book The Everlasting Man by G. K. Chesterton. He fought greatly up to the moment of his conversion, noting that he was brought into Christianity like a prodigal, "kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance to escape."He described his last struggle in Surprised by Joy:

You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England.

After his conversion to theism in 1929, Lewis converted to Christianity in 1931, following a long discussion and late-night walk with his close friends Tolkien and Hugo Dyson. He records making a specific commitment to Christian belief while on his way to the zoo with his brother. He became a member of the Church of England – somewhat to the disappointment of Tolkien, who had hoped that he would join the Catholic Church.^{[33][page needed]}

Lewis was a committed Anglican who upheld a largely orthodox Anglican theology, though in his apologetic writings, he made an effort to avoid espousing any one denomination. In his later writings, some believe that he proposed ideas such as purification of venial sins after death in purgatory (The Great Divorce and Letters to Malcolm) and mortal sin (The Screwtape Letters), which are generally considered to be Roman Catholic teachings, although they are also widely held in Anglicanism (particularly in high church Anglo-Catholic circles). Regardless, Lewis considered himself an entirely orthodox Anglican to the end of his life, reflecting that he had initially attended church only to receive communion and had been repelled by the hymns and the poor quality of the sermons. He later came to consider himself honoured by worshipping with men of faith who came in shabby clothes and work boots and who sang all the verses to all the hymns

The Bible that I currently turn to and read is the C.S. Lewis Bible. Throughout this particular Bible are excerpts inserted into the sidebars of the texts from Lewis's writings that coincide with the topics in the Bible. It humanizes the Bible for me, and his experiences and personal wisdom he shares helps me relate more and clarifies the Biblical passages.

My family has always been key voices of wise counsel in my story and journey. I will talk about them throughout this blog. Here are my mom's my dad's and my 91 year old grandmother's life verses:

Dad: "For I, The Lord your God, hold your right hand, it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I will help'.

Mom: You hem me in behind and before and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit. Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.

Grandma's: " Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall". "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast".


Now for my final testimony. When I was finally at my moment of surrender. I called out to God in desperation, "SAVE ME! I NEED YOU! I AM DONE! I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE! LET ME FEEL YOU! I NEED TO FEEL YOU! CAN YOU HERE ME?" I was alone in my old apartment. What happened to me is very hard to detail, and some do not believe my testimony, and that is okay, because it is my own truth. I fell on my knees to the floor. I felt this wave come over me. I felt a warmth, a rush, a peace, an overwhelm; yet a calm, a presence, a strength, a courage, a healing, a comfort, a journey, a battlefield, a shield, a redemption, a warriors heart, a hero's fortitude; and only a  Lord's presence.

From that day on everything changed. I  imperfect and flawed and battle; but now I walk in His footsteps and I know He carries me when I am at my darkest.

More to come.

"Oh! I Was Addicted to Love"

My journey to recovery from SLA, Sex and Love Addiction, I am going to detail  by focusing on the facts about SLA provided by Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (slaafws.org). What I am "all about" with this blog is being unbarred, sincere, and tangible. With this particular topic I feel instead of giving verbatim details I will just let the SLAA description tell the tale.

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction ( "I expressed or experienced many, but not all of the characteristics"-Stigmas and Stilettos)

© 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. 

All Rights Reserved

1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached 

to people without knowing them. 

2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive 

relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more 

isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 

3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in 

one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at 

a time. 

4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue 

or be rescued. 

5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and 

commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts. 

6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional 

dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support. 

7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others. 

8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies. 

9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally 

unavailable. 

10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities. 

11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and 

emotional anorexia for recovery. 

12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not 

fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

40 Questions for Self Diagnosis 

excerpted © 1985 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. 

All Rights Reserved 

The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful. 

Yes [ ] No [ ] 1.) Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see 

someone?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know 

that seeing this person is destructive to you? 

Yes [ ] No [ ] 3.) Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic 

activities? Do you feel you need to hide these activities from others – friends, 

family, co-workers, counselors, etc.? 

Yes [ ] No [ ] 4.) Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance? Do you crash?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 5.) Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with 

inappropriate people? 

Yes [ ] No [ ] 6.) Do you make promises to yourself or rules for yourself concerning your sexual or 

romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow? 

Yes [ ] No [ ] 7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex 

with?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 8.) Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 9.) Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 10.) Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 11.) Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 12.) Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or 

sexual partner?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 13.) Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 14.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 15.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of 

being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 16.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 17.) Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform 

sexually, or provide an emotional fix? 

Yes [ ] No [ ] 18.) Do you feel like a lifeless puppet unless there is someone around with whom you 

can flirt? Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / 

romantic partner?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 19.) Do you feel entitled to sex?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 20.) Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?

 Yes [ ] No [ ] 21.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by 

pursuing a sexual partner?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 22.) Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from not 

having enough of, or the right kind of sex? Or from continuing to 

remain with the "wrong" person?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 23.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of 

outside sexual activity?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 24.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without 

sex? Do you feel that you would have no identity if you were not someone’s lover?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 25.) Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean 

to?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 26.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 27.) Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's 

problems?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 28.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with 

which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the 

places in which you do it?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 29.) Do you engage in the practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc., in ways that bring 

discomfort and pain?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 30.) Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual 

or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and 

emotional relief?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 31.) Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real 

woman"?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 32.) Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as 

hijacking a revolving door? Are you jaded?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or 

feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though 

these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities 

for a given period of time? Have you ever wished you could be less emotionally 

dependent?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do? Are you afraid 

that deep down you are unacceptable?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a 

negative way?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 39.) Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your sexual and/or romantic 

behavior or your excessive dependency needs?

Yes [ ] No [ ] 40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you 

were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.* 

1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had 

become unmanageable. 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood 

God. 

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our 

wrongs. 

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to 

them all. 

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would 

injure them or others. 

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power 

greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power 

to carry that out. 

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this 

message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our 

lives. 

* ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that A.A. is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise.

S.L.A.A. Signs of Recovery 

© 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 

1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, knowing that we 

are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from our addiction. 

2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has been 

restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power. 

3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and our obsession 

with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and emotional dependency. 

4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, morally, 

psychologically or spiritually. 

5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for our own lives, 

and to take care of our own needs before involving ourselves with others. 

6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and 

learning to trust and accept others. 

7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self-esteem and our 

fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn to feel comfortable in 

solitude. 

8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part 

My moment that changed my life forever was something that made me collapse on the floor of my old apartment and transformed me, renewed me, redeemed me, and it was an experience that I could have never imagined.

On the next blog.

"A Little Side Note"

In addition to my post "Worry War" I want to add a quick side note. For those who are afflicted with panic attacks (I describe my personal experience in "Worry War"). One thing that I wish I was told sooner is how quickly an ice cold shower or bath shocked my system back into equilibrium. The ice cold water helped me breathe again, brought down my body temperature, and took my focus from the fears in my head to the sensations the cold brought on my body. I also forces you muscles to flex and releases tension

"Worry War"

General Anxiety
I like to describe worry as spending today worrying about tomorrow, at least this is the most simplistic way to describe worry. For those that fight anxiety, panic, and paranoia; this becomes all consuming. I have already detailed in my past blogs how anxiety consumed much of my thoughts, worrying about being attacked, worrying about being followed, worrying about being made fun of, worrying about being abandoned. The list is goes on.
I can remember being in the eighth grade, walking home with one of my best friends after school and she coaching me through our whole walk. Every car that drove by, that had a certain description that I found intimidating (and was completely irrational) she had to assure me was not going to kidnap us, or pull a gun on us. I can remember people we knew would wave at us, and until I recognized them, this would bring sheer terror to my heart because I did not know know what was in their hand, or what their intentions were. I felt like a walking target everywhere I went.
The thing about worry, that I realized as I grew older, is that it can turn our thoughts into self-centered ones, and our lives are more in harmony when we are serving the needs of others. Constantly thinking that you are the focus of every driver on the street, of every family member or friend's private conversation, or look over their soldier, or stranger's thought as they walk by you, or every police officer's target, or every teacher's worst nightmare, every boss's first thought when they need to let someone go, or whatever it may be; means that you feel you are the spotlight of your anxiety's  antecedent. Of course this only makes sense if your anxiety stems from relationships, which was the source of a considerable amount of my anxiety.
It is so vital to still realize you are an individual, that is prayed for, loved, invaluable, precious, desirable, priceless, and essential to this world and the people around you. Once I was able to comprehend this about myself it was truly amazing how so many of my symptoms improved; not just the anxiety. It did take wise counsel, therapy, ridding my life of toxic relationships, working with medical professionals, and walking with the Lord, Savior, and Redeemer who makes new all things...even the once so broken me.

Panic Attacks
I used to experience panic attacks. When I was having a panic attack the first thing I typically felt was the feeling that my tongue was retreating into my throat, and it made it very hard for me to speak eloquently. I also felt like my saliva was seething and it seemed hot in my mouth. My stomach felt the way it does when you are barrelling down that sheer drop on a roller coaster. This is a bit hard to explain for those who have not experienced it, but my body would feel so hot it was freezing. I would think I was sweating, but I do not know if I actually was, or if it was just a reaction from adrenaline. Every time I had an attack I was certain I was having a heart attack, and that it would never end. These would happen regularly for a couple years, then a few times a year, then about once a year, and then would stop completely. Again, as with general anxiety without a panic attack, it took wise counsel, therapy, ridding my life of toxic relationships and decisions, working with medical professionals, and walking with the Lord, Savior, and Redeemer who makes new all things to bring me to where I am today.

Sleep Anxiety
Sleep irregularities are so common with mental illness, addiction, and abuse. For me personally, my sleep issues did not arise, until I started to have complications with medication, anxiety, and panic attacks. My sleep issues also stemmed from the decisions I was making in my life in regards to who I was dating, how I was spending my leisure time, and whether or not I was practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques ( http://www.nami.org for information on CBT ) that I learned from a trained and licensed therapist. I grew to dread the nights. I came to the point that I would not socialize in the evening, or leave my home after a certain hour. I began to take an over abundance of sleeping medication. I also resorted to alcohol on so many occasions. I became obsessed with sleep. I planned my day around going to bed at an exact time, in fear that if I did not go to bed at that time, I would have insomnia, that would lead to panic, and then an attack. When mania and hypomania was not being managed I was extremely "busy" during the night. During manic and hypomanic nights my mind was either racing, changing thought channels constantly, typically with anxious thoughts, sometimes resulting in panic attacks; or I was in on overly aerobic state. There were nights that I was jogging in the wee hours on the morning, cleaning and organizing my bedroom, chatting with friends on AIM (when AIM was still popular), watching music videos on MTV (when MTV still played music); one time when I was in a manic state and I had the notion to paint my room. I immediately went out, bought an entire stock of paint supplies, and painted almost nonstop for two days.
The fear of not sleeping became one of my biggest sources of anxiety that I had the hardest time overcoming. It took proper treatment of managing the mania and hypomania, healthy sleep habits (for me personally I was much too dependent, and abusive with sleeping medication), detoxing my body of liquor (I may have had only one cocktail in last year, alcohol actually acts as a stimulant for many people), and I repeat for the third time, it took wise counsel, therapy, ridding my life of toxic relationships and decisions, working with medical professionals, and walking with the Lord, Savior, and Redeemer who makes new all things to bring me to where I am today.

Anxiety and The Job
I do want to add, that I did need to change my career lifestyle. Not sleeping at night, and having to wake up very early in the morning was a major source of panic for me, which led to severe attacks for many years. I needed to find a line of work that worked with my abilities, with my ups downs, and in-betweens. At the moment this blog, sharing my journey, supporting others in their battle, and spreading awareness is my calling. I also need to work with people who are sensitive to my needs, and who who are a source of support. There have been times that I have not been able to work, and that was the best decision in my road to stabilization.
When I was in college and thinking about my future, school, and a career. I always knew I wanted to feel a sense of purpose with what I was doing. If I felt like I was wasting my time; I knew I would not succeed. I knew I was meant to work with children and adults with severe behavioral disorders, when I began to study it in depth. I could relate to them on a level that many others could not. I feel this is a major reason why for many years I succeeded in the field. Working in an industry that allowed me to feel a sense of purpose each day really gave me a reason to get out of bed. Also, when you are busy, and have a schedule, you have less time to obsess and live inside your thoughts and feelings.

More to come.

"Reliving it Over and Over"

My dreams became the place where I processed the events that had taken place in my life. A common dream of mine was being attacked by former men from past relationships. My body would be completely frozen, unable to throw a punch to defend myself. The attack dreams would happen night after night. Another common dream was for me to be physically incapable of screaming; therefore my attacker had his way with me. I believe I had these dreams because when I was being abused there were so many times I needed to be rescued. I also relived many of the real life situations I was in.

I had dreams where boys I went to school with years ago were viciously bullying me. Their slurs were so crippling to my self-esteem there were times I woke myself crying. Due to the fact that I lived in silence for so long about the living hell I was going through, I had dreams that I was throwing up my teeth, and a horrible tasting bile substance that was grainy and thick would just constantly pour out of my mouth. When I asked my therapist about this, she said that this was a common dream for people who are unable to articulate what they are feeling to those that have hurt them.
After each relationship I left, for about a year afterwards, everywhere I went I was scanning the streets for their car, or looking behind my back for them. I lived in a constant fear of running into them. This was especially apparent with my abuser. I went to graduate school with Boyfriend Two. Every time I drove onto campus a crippling fear came over my body. Everywhere I went I was afraid he would attack me, or follow me to my car as I walked back to the parking lot after class. I carried pepper spray everywhere I went.

Throughout my college career I was an honor student. I even graduated with departmental honors as an undergrad. The last two quarters I was in grad school I was a BSP at a transition center in a unit for adults with severe behavioral disorders. Many of these adults would have episodes where they became violent. It was not uncommon for the BSPs to be punched, smacked, kicked, scratched, choked, etc. This job created brought out so much post traumatic stress within me. Every time I was attacked I saw Boyfriend Two. I relived every memory each day. My anxiety took over my health, my school, and my stability. I ended up failing my classes, and dropping out of graduate school. I also quit my job. I was sick frequently, and it was common for me to have blood in my stool.
Backing up for a moment, during the time I was at that job, my paranoia of being attacked by Boyfriend Two became so terrible that I had police escorts to my classes, and to my car. Between being attacked weekly at my job, and not seeking the proper therapy after my abuse; I broke down from anxiety. If it were not for the doctors, medication, and the wonderful support from family, true friends, the healing and redeeming power of our Lord and Savior, and the man I would eventually marry; my recovery would have been ten times harder. There are still nights I have those terrible dreams.

Learning to forgive, even an abuser, another who cheated several times over, who hid a destructive life from you, put you in harms way; and those who ridiculed you; leads you to a freedom you cannot comprehend. Forgiveness does not mean allowing them to be a part of your life again. Quite the opposite. Forgiveness means not allowing them to control your future, when they had so much influence on your past.

"Battlefield of the Mind"

After I left the nightmare of the abusive relationship I had to rebuild my life. I had to create a new identity. I had to figure out who I was on my own. I had to figure out why I made these terrible relationship choices. I wanted my family's respect and trust. I wanted to rebuild my friendships. I wanted a new start, and I was finally ready to do that because I realized my way and my life decisions were not working.
I had given up on the Lord, and I had shut him out. Doing that led me to destructive behaviors, heartache, addiction, abuse, loneliness, broken relationships, sexual addiction, and despair. I was so angry with him for the life he had "blessed" me with, for the times I had cried out to Him and I did not feel His presence, for the nights I felt completely alone, for not saving me from the struggles of Bipolar Disorder. I did not understand why He "did this to me". I was done with Him for abandoning me.

Then I remembered the Cross. I remembered the crowds. I remembered the spear in His side. I remembered the crown of thorns. I remembered the rejection. I remembered that He was His only son who paid that huge price, and He was completely innocent. I remembered the spit that was spat on His body. I remembered the nails in His wrists. I remember Him crying out, "Father! Why have You Forsaken Me?" I then felt completely humbled. I was never alone in any of this. He was there the whole time. He protected me when I was having suicidal thoughts, and I was too afraid to kill myself. I believe He gave me that fear, as a means of protection upon my life, from myself. I remembered the night I pointed my car towards the wall and pressed on the accelerator, expecting to open my eyes and see Heaven, but instead I was on my friends doorstep, being ushered into her house, into the arms of her mother, for comfort and a listening ear, which would be my first step towards healing. He took the wheel that night when I closed my eyes. He was always there. He was there speaking peace, words of wisdom, and courage into my ear when hands were wrapped around my neck and I was pinned against the wall. He was my calm, and my shield against extreme injury. He was there. He was there when I finally walked away, and He was ready to greet me with open arms. When I was ready to start a new life. In the next few months after all this, as I stumbled and sinned once again, He would be the one to finally Redeem me, and transform me in a true woman of Christ. Now today, as I tell my story to others He is here. He is here, he is here, he with you. He never gave up on me, so I could not give up on Him.

One of the first things I did was reconnect with a woman I once deeply looked up to, but had a falling out with a couple years back when I was really struggling. I longed for healing in our relationship, and after all the pain I had gone through, I longed for her sunshine. I actually met with her, before I ended my relationship with Boyfriend Two. I deeply saddened her when I told her about my loss of Faith. She was still so accepting of me. When I finally did leave "the monster" and I told her everything, she was right there for me, and has never left since. Ever since that day she has been by my side, been my cheerleader, and been an ever-present source of love and support. She was there.
She and I began a one-on-one Bible study together, that would eventually lead me back on a path towards Jesus. We studied a Joyce Meyers book called "Battlefield of the Mind." It was the perfect book to journey through together after all my experiences. Even the title perfectly describes my lifelong pain. My mind has always been a war zone. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has mental battles with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and so many other struggles that have a grasp on them. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “Our past may explain why we're suffering but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage.” 
Knowing my relationship with "Sunshine" could be healed and mended, gave me confidence that other relationships could as well, and I realized through our studies that some relationships need to be left as part of our history, as a learning experience, that God uses to make us stronger and to grow in Him. As I read through this book I learned about "stinking thinking," and how important positive self-talk is so crucial in our overall mental health.  My relationship with "Sunshine," our Bible study, and our conversations led me back to church. It was back to this particular church that for the first time, I felt at home in a church family. If it was not for that raw Bible study, during that crucial time in my life, with someone who truly brought me into her home and heart, and showed Christ's love for me, I do not know if my journey back to the Lord would have happened when it did. My journey still had many road bumps ahead. I still needed much clinical therapy, and so much healing from the abuse I endured.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a very real thing. Read about my experience on the next blog.