"Lock it Up Safe in a Casket"

Today is one of those days when my mind is taking me through a million memories, one at a time, over-and-over-and-over. Some of these memories are as recent as this past week, and some go as far back as my elementary school days. Unfortunately most of my memories do not bring about feelings of nostalgia and joy as memories should in my opinion. It is a very common human trait to remember hard times more than joyful times.

“This is a general tendency for everyone,” said Clifford Nass, a professor of communication at Stanford University. “Some people do have a more positive outlook, but almost everyone remembers negative things more strongly and in more detail.”

There are physiological as well as psychological reasons for this.

“The brain handles positive and negative information in different hemispheres,” said Professor Nass, who co-authored “The Man Who Lied to His Laptop: What Machines Teach Us About Human Relationships” (Penguin 2010). Negative emotions generally involve more thinking, and the information is processed more thoroughly than positive ones, he said. Thus, we tend to ruminate more about unpleasant events — and use stronger words to describe them — than happy ones. (www.nytimes.com)

When I ponder memories that are reminders of difficult times I truly do think much deeper. The pain almost forces me to come up with as many possible alternatives that may have helped me to avoid the situation. The trouble for me is that I can ruminate on these terrible memories for years. Even a memory as simple as a comment made by myself or another, I will think about for years to come. As a result of this continuous, and seemingly endless, rumination I can live in a painful place internally; when life outside myself is going beautifully. Furthering this point, I will respond in anger, defiance, or sadness to a neutral experience happening in the present, that does not deserve this response whatsoever, because internally I am reliving a past battle.

My poor, sweet, innocent, husband gets the wrath of this behavior. I can honestly be such a mean girl to him. What my bulls-eye husband does not know is that daily I am brought back to abusive memories of my past relationships. On probably on an hourly basis (at least) certain things will trigger terrible memories for me.

My husband loves to wear a beard. This is a completely normal thing for many men. When I see a beard it triggers flashbacks of a scary, bearded, face screaming in my face. Screaming terrible obscenities and threats. When my husband is rightfully annoyed with me for something or another, and he speaks his truth to me, that darn beard, and the feelings of conflict I associate with bearded men, trigger such intense anger in me. I am such a terrible wife because I will yell to my angel husband the things I wished I yelled back then, to the actual "bearded villain". When I am yelling I am not really yelling at my husband, but rather my past.


"Love relationships are mirrors of the inner self. We learn how lovable we are and how valuable our love is to others only by interacting with the people we love. Young children never question the impressions of themselves reflected by caretakers and peers. They do not think that their critical, stressed-out mothers or their raging fathers are just having a bad time or trying to recover from their own difficult childhoods. Young children attribute negative reflections of themselves from significant others to their own inadequacy and unworthiness.

Suppose you had internalized your body image based on reflections from a fun house mirror, which made your hips look a mile wide. You would think you were in deep trouble and that no diet could help. Once you've internalized such a negative image, you distrust even accurate mirrors. People who are gaunt from eating disorders actually see themselves as fat when they look in a mirror that reflects little more than skin and bones. Even those who do not have eating disorders but who were told repeatedly as children that they were too thin are likely to see themselves as thin adults, despite mirror reflections that show a few extra pounds.

When it comes to physical appearance, at least we have lots of other mirrors to compare to the distorted funhouse reflection. But there are no reflections of love other than those we get from the people we love. If you judge how lovable you are based on reflections from someone who cannot love without hurt, you will have a necessarily distorted and inaccurate view of yourself.

The instinct to believe the information about the self that loved ones reflect weakens somewhat as we grow older, but it remains active throughout life. You would probably laugh—or at least not get angry—at a stranger who implied that you have green hair, but if your husband or wife says it, you're likely to run to a mirror. The default assumption is, if your partner is displeased, there must be something wrong with you, and you need anger or resentment for protection." (psychologytoday.com)

After reading this article it clicked inside me that I view my husband through a fun-house mirror. I view him, or more so his role in my life, through clouded distortions based on past experiences. I'm still not separating my husband from my past. He was not a part of those past memories, so why can I not see him clearly, for the committed, loving, Christian, protector of my heart that he is? Why am I boxing him into a category of my life he does not belong? The past. He is my present and my future. He is my now and for always. Why am I treating him as a has-been, and this generalization of a man who he simply is not?

C.S. Lewis speaks to my heart regarding these thoughts and questions:

“Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as ‘Careful! This might lead you to suffering.’

To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.…

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

(From The Four Loves, as found in The Inspirational Writings of C.S. Lewis, 278-279.)

I love this interpretation of Lewis' piece from: www.purposefullyscarred.com

Once trust is lost, it has to be regained. Your trust in other people has been lost, or at least seriously damaged, and you have to patiently work on rebuilding that ability to trust. As Lewis wrote, there is no safe investment when it comes to loving the creatures of this world. People fail one another, hurt each other. Loved ones die. Pets are lost. Eventually, our hearts will break.

Allowing yourself to trust again may take years. And, frankly, there will be people who never earn or regain your trust and that’s okay. Rebuilding your ability to trust another person does not mean you drop all defenses. Real trust, particularly after abuse, is not allowed the luxury of assuming someone is what they appear. But, as Lewis cautioned, there is far more danger in an unbreakable heart than in vulnerability.

In a healthy relationship, vulnerability builds intimacy. That’s how marriage was designed to work: two people being totally open with each other, trusting that the other person will love them unconditionally and not based on any failures or inadequacies they might bring to the table. Long term, trust is absolutely necessary to building a healthy, lasting relationship.

I expect someday, if God leads a man into my life to stay, that man will understand this. We will be able to enjoy each other through mutual vulnerability and total trust. At the end of the day, no matter what a man might say or do to me, even my husband, I can trust that Jesus Christ is never going to betray me. Ever. No matter what I say, do, think, feel. He has claimed me as His own and that is permanent. God guarantees spiritual life and freedom for eternity through faith in Jesus Christ. His is the greatest love I will ever experience and it is never going to be removed. If the entire world around me were to turn against me, I would still have everything in Christ. I can trust Him.

I can trust Him with my relationships.

You can trust Him. His love is everlasting, His mercies are unending, and His faithfulness is unparalleled.

Jesus is the only safe investment of my love because His love is unconditional, unending, and unfaltering."

I have to be taught by my husband, through the proof within his daily actions that I can trust him. He has never given me a reason not to trust him, or believe he will physically or emotionally hurt me. The mean words and phrases I spew at him are a self-defense adapted through pain. An unhealthy adapted defense. A defense that builds walls up around me. The idea being, "If I say these mean things to you, or about you; maybe I will believe they are true, and I will shut you out before you even have a chance to harm me". Unfortunately this defense does exactly that. It shuts him out. 

How can I break this cycle? How can I break down my walls? How can I stop giving the abuse I am so afraid of receiving? 

I need ruminate on these 6 points:

1. Pain is a learned survival mechanism to protect myself.

2. Pain is an output from my brain, and usually not an input into my brain.

3. I often think my heart is in danger, when really it is not.

4. My pain breeds pain.

5. Pain can be triggered from unrelated factors.

6. I can change my sensitivity to pain.

When my pain continues for long periods of time without any real source of continuing harm or damage, there might be a problem with the pain processing system, not the person I am directing my pain towards.

As I lay in bed last night, the first night that I was aware that our baby was with Jesus, I found myself talking to the Lord, asking the Lord to hold our baby the way we long to hold our baby. I asked Heavenly Father to nuzzle our baby's smooth head under Heavenly Father's chin, on His neck. To let His neck perfectly mold into our baby's head, and be the perfect resting place. I asked Heavenly Father to breathe in our baby's sweet scent, and be intoxicated by it. Breathing it in deeply, all the while His breath soothes our baby. I asked the He feel the in-and-out motion our baby's breathing creates, as he or she is held against Heavenly Father's chest. I requested that Heavenly Father feel the plump roundness of that sweet baby bottom, and gently pat our baby's bottom in rhythm with our baby's heart, who has the honor of mimicking Heavenly Father's own heart...the most pure heart of all. I prayed for Heavenly Father to sing a song to our baby, whispering the lyrics in our babies tiny, and impressionable ear: "All night. All day. Angels in the morning. Angels in the evening. All night. All day. Angels watching over me." This nursery rhyme holds a whole new meaning now, and completely new imagery.
Today I am praying to Heavenly Father that our baby knows that his mommy and daddy are never far away, and are ready to be with him or her at any moment, and our choice is to be there. I want our baby to know that it is not his or her parents' choice to not physically be there right now. We had zero say in this decision. It was Heavenly Father's choice, for whatever reason. I pray our baby is comforted by the true reason, and feels unconditionally loved by it. I never want our baby to feel alone, or abandoned. Never. Not for a split second. I want our baby to feel that I carry him or her still, in my spirit, and my spirit was created by Heavenly Father; just as our baby's spirit was created by Heavenly Father. We are with one another through our spirit, even when we are not physically with one another. I am relieved to know our baby is being doted on in Heaven by his or her great-grandparents, who are beyond thrilled to be holding our baby in honor of Mommy and Daddy.

I feel you my Sweet Little Love. I feel you deeply. I pray that you feel Mommy and Daddy too. Mommy has to be allowed to believe that you feel me.

I am here, living to die so that I can be with you in Heaven.

For Our Sweet Baby...

Our Blessing to Our Baby:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

A Letter to My Baby 

(Written by Kayla and read and blessed by Pete)

I did not hold you, but I felt you, and I still feel you. You are your daddy's, and your mommy's; but you are forever our Father's. The only way my mind can wrap my head around not holding you in seven and a half months, is knowing you will never, ever, know pain, or sorrow, anxiety, depression, or fear...or anything that your sweet daddy and I are feeling now. You were given to the Lord before you were even conceived, and I find grace knowing you are with him now, before you took your first breath, while your breath was still my breath. Your daddy and I hold each other today, in honor of you. Our strength is in the strength of your Heavenly Father, knowing in our souls that he is carrying you perfectly, better than we ever could, even though we so desperately want to. I know more than anything else that we will hold you in our embrace when we truly begin our lives in Heaven, your home, our real home together, once the Lord calls your daddy and I there with you. Please tell Jesus that your mommy and daddy need him more than ever before, because we do not have words to speak right now. One thing that we will never be incapable of saying, though, is that we love you sweet baby! We love you, we love, we love you. You are not dead at all, you are alive and flourishing with Heavenly Father. In fact, you know life better than your daddy and I do. For life is in Heaven, not Earth. You get to live before any of us do. What a joy that is to our hearts. Thank you Jesus for truly bringing our baby home.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Adding an Andrews

It has been several months since I have written about anything. Fortunately a major reason for this is that life has been busy, stable, calm, consistent, and relaxed. I felt the nudge tonight to write about the phase of life that we have just recently entered. We are currently trying to start our family. It has been my ultimate dream to be a mother, and I am entering the first block on a long road.

In recent years I had a gut feeling that having a baby would not be a simple and quick process for me. I could not fathom that the medication I have taken throughout the years would not have some sort of effect on my ability to carry a child, or even get pregnant in the first place. I also could not imagine what pregnancy would be like for someone who has struggled with the mental and emotional battles I have overcome. As many know, I have spent the last couple years detoxing off medication; specifically anxiety medications. I am full of joy saying that I feel so much better off these medications than I ever did when I was on them. I am also joyful saying that it is going on seven months since I had my very last anxiety pill.

The doctors who I work closely with, as well as family and friends, all agree the two particular medications I still take are beneficial to my overall wellbeing and definitely help me function healthfully. Realizing that these last two medicines are needed I did not know what would happen once we started trying for a baby and once I was pregnant.

The first step we took was to work closely with my mental health professionals. I also met with my OBGYN to take the steps I needed to take to get my body and mind ready to start the conception process. I knew my pregnancy will be considered high risk, but I did not know exactly what that entails. My biggest concern was that I would not be able to take any medications to keep me in the stable place I am today, or that medication would harm our baby. Of course I heard and read every medication horror story, and before I had taken any steps to prepare for conception I made sure to properly scare myself with research ;) Anyone who knows me well knows I am a research-aholic. I like to know every little detail about every little possibility to a fault. By the time I met with my first OBGYN I felt like I knew more about high risk pregnancy then she did ;)

I have never struggled with high blood pressure; in fact I tend to have low blood pressure; but the day I went to meet the OBGYN and get my first genuine prenatal assessment, my blood pressure was through the roof. She assured me it was simply nerves, and a follow up blood pressure test at a pharmacy the next day proved she was right.  I realized finding the right OB would be a process after meeting with her as well.

One of my biggest fears were the "what ifs" in regards to taking medication or not taking medication during the prenatal process. The Lord completely took care of everything. It turns out that there are several medications, including the ones I just happen to be taking, that are no more harmful to a developing baby than taking Tylenol. The categories of medication were completely explained to me in regards to risk to a developing baby, and my anxiety was completely addressed. I had this horrible image in my mind of having to completely detox off any medication, and living a 10 month mental hell in order to have a healthy child. Of course I would go through absolutely anything to keep my children healthy and safe, but it was extremely encouraging to know that 10 months of emotional instability due to unmedicated mental health conditions was not going to be necessary.

All I have learned through my own experiences and worries will be manifested towards directing my child or children, under the Lord's guidance, down the path that they can paint gold.

I am currently taking holistic fertility supplements to balance my hormones, a prenatal vitamin, and an extra dose of folic acid. These supplements are to help rejuvenate my system from any suppression from past or present medications, and the extra folic acid is an added precaution against medication side effects transmitting to a developing baby. I am also training with a professional trainer at least three days a week to help me gain top physical health, and lose the weight gained from anxiety medications. All of this is before I even get pregnant so our baby has healthy development conditions from their first second of life.

My mindset is simply; A healthier me and healthier baby. I am in the headspace that everything I do now is for my future children and our family. As each month has passed without a successful conception I do find myself feeling discouraged. One thing I never doubt is that I WILL be a mother, and a great mother at that. My dream right now is a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby. Of course no matter what circumstances may come with our child I want him or her to know that they have been prayed for all my life, before there was life in them. They have been wanted all my life before I even know who they are. They are loved now, even before they have been created. They have a mom who has gone through fire so I have the knowledge on how to help put out there's. They have a mom who was created, so that they could be created. They have parents who want to teach them about Jesus, so that He can give them everything this earth cannot give them. I want them to know that they are so desperately wanted, dreamed about, prayed about, planned for, and cried over.

My heart has belonged to them before their heart has taken it's first beat.