Even Masters Bow Down to You

Hallelujah- Holly Henry Cover

Dear You,
You had your grasp on me again last night. I laid in our bed and you began to play your little game. I thought the game was over, but you came back in the wee hours to have another round. You love our little game. I hate it because I lose every time.

The rules of the game are different this time. Instead of keeping me up every second of the forever night; you allow me to drift away from the playing field.

Once I drift away and feel that I am finally beating your sweet body, instead of you beating mine, you sucker punch me. I always call foul when you do that. The referee always misses this blatant technical. I hate the referee. He sees everything I do wrong, but misses every blow you hit on my body. I feel like you and the referee are on the same side, actually I know you are. You have to be. Never has a game been so played, and frankly played out. Never has the score been so intricately written before the players walk out onto the field: you and me.

Last night you came back for another round. I thought I had finally won this stupid, crippling, game. I thought I was a victor. A Champion. I thought I had finally grown stronger than you. How stupid am I! Of course I am not stronger than you! You are stronger than anything when you creep into my bed, into my world. You are such a dark, domineering visitor. Every time you show your hideous face, ready to take me on the field, I bow down to you. I can no longer surrender to my God. Nope. You force me on my knees to bow before you. As long as you are in the room, I can be slave to nothing else but you. We are slaves to so many masters. Slave to the grind, slave to the house, slave to our kids needs, slaves to our church, slaves to our friends, slaves to our work, slaves to our bodies, slaves to our thoughts, slaves to our joy, slaves to our fears, slaves to humor...I am guilty of being a slave to all these, but the second you enter; even my masters bow down to you. 

I hate you. Never have I really hated anyone, but I deeply hate you in the darkest way. I hate the way you hug me so tight that I choke. I hate the way you kiss my lips so rough that I cannot kiss you back. I hate the way you touch me, with a vengeance. You are never gentle. Even when I beg for you to be gentle. No, you like it rough and tumble. You are never done until my soul is bleeding.

At the end of this game I hit the showers, really the tub. You won again. I sat in the hot water, scrubbing your scent off me. You have such a wicked scent. As I scrubbed I listened to a song, in order to fill my thoughts with anything but you. "All I ever learned from love. Is how to shoot someone who outdrew ya'" You always outdraw. You always come with every weapon at the ready. You have a wicked draw.

Now I beg the Lord for sleep. To become dead to you, and the memory of our last battle. All I know to do is weep and write. If I weep I can feel me, instead of you. If I write I remove your poisonous lips from my mouth, and I have a voice again.

Wait, does this mean I actually win? I survived you. I survived the heart attack of you. I am still here after you whispered in my ear that I would be gone to you.

I am still here.

You did not win this game.

Dear You, AKA Anxiety and Panic
You lost.
The slave has become the Master. 

Hot Air Balloon

A week ago we found out that I was pregnant, and two days ago I found out I am not. We do not know what happened. We do not know. Do. Not. Know. These are three of my least favorite words when put together in a sentence.

I live in a world where I find peace knowing I have say in my circumstances. Where I have a voice that can make decisions, a brain that can lead me to answers, a heart that can help me feel and cope along the way. 

Unfortunately there is another world I live in where I have no say in my circumstances and neither my brain nor my heart can lead me to what I want. This world is scary and it also makes me angry. I feel helpless in this world. 

The world where I have a say collides with the world where I do not have a say. These two worlds are constantly colliding, and trying to knock the other out of it's orbit. 

For the last 11 years I have been self-taught that the emotions I feel during the battle of my worlds are to be numbed with medication. When medication failed to save me during the battle of my worlds any other numbing substance would do. 

Without having these substances to numb the strikes, blows, bullets, and bombs that these endless wars bring down on me; I have turned to another release: Anger. Fits of anger. After the anger comes crippling depression. Do these fits of anger last long? No. Does the depression last long? No. All these two emotions do is allow me to release years of emotions in a single moment. I yell and scream, and then cry and finally sleep from exhaustion. This round of emotions typically last one day. By the next day I force myself to live as if nothing ever happened. When I mean nothing I do not mean the angry fit. I go on as if nothing tremendously painful has ever happened in my life. 

I have become a master at ignoring pain, masking pain, distracting myself from pain, working through pain, loving through pain, laughing through pain, organizing through pain, cleaning through pain, sleeping through pain, socializing through pain. I can literally cover up my pain with absolutely
anything.

I run from pain until it bursts through me like a popping hot air balloon. The hot hair balloon will deflate, the pressurized gas keeping it afloat will typically ignite, and then everything will be consumed with flames until the balloon, and all it's contents come crashing down to the earth below, hitting with a bang, and finally exploding into nothingness 

I feel exactly like the hot air balloon. My emotions burst through my mask, igniting me, lighting me up into burning flames until I crash down to the ground, leaving me as nothing. 

When I found out I was not pregnant I went through the hot air balloon cycle. It happened in a matter of 2 hours. After I slept with exhaustion dreaming into nothingness. When I awoke from the fall, I glued on another mask, and glued the mask tighter; ensuring it will seal in all the emotions: anger, grief, confusion, depression...

I only know how to feel at catastrophic limits. Unless a feeling is overpowering, my masks prevent me from feeling anything.

When I receive a hug, I am not feeling comfort or love. No, when I am hugged my mask forces me to listen to my battling worlds. "How long I must hug this person in return?" "I must get out of this person's grasp quickly; or else the glue keeping my mask on will crack, and all of my emotions will fall out."

Revealing me. 

"Lock it Up Safe in a Casket"

Today is one of those days when my mind is taking me through a million memories, one at a time, over-and-over-and-over. Some of these memories are as recent as this past week, and some go as far back as my elementary school days. Unfortunately most of my memories do not bring about feelings of nostalgia and joy as memories should in my opinion. It is a very common human trait to remember hard times more than joyful times.

“This is a general tendency for everyone,” said Clifford Nass, a professor of communication at Stanford University. “Some people do have a more positive outlook, but almost everyone remembers negative things more strongly and in more detail.”

There are physiological as well as psychological reasons for this.

“The brain handles positive and negative information in different hemispheres,” said Professor Nass, who co-authored “The Man Who Lied to His Laptop: What Machines Teach Us About Human Relationships” (Penguin 2010). Negative emotions generally involve more thinking, and the information is processed more thoroughly than positive ones, he said. Thus, we tend to ruminate more about unpleasant events — and use stronger words to describe them — than happy ones. (www.nytimes.com)

When I ponder memories that are reminders of difficult times I truly do think much deeper. The pain almost forces me to come up with as many possible alternatives that may have helped me to avoid the situation. The trouble for me is that I can ruminate on these terrible memories for years. Even a memory as simple as a comment made by myself or another, I will think about for years to come. As a result of this continuous, and seemingly endless, rumination I can live in a painful place internally; when life outside myself is going beautifully. Furthering this point, I will respond in anger, defiance, or sadness to a neutral experience happening in the present, that does not deserve this response whatsoever, because internally I am reliving a past battle.

My poor, sweet, innocent, husband gets the wrath of this behavior. I can honestly be such a mean girl to him. What my bulls-eye husband does not know is that daily I am brought back to abusive memories of my past relationships. On probably on an hourly basis (at least) certain things will trigger terrible memories for me.

My husband loves to wear a beard. This is a completely normal thing for many men. When I see a beard it triggers flashbacks of a scary, bearded, face screaming in my face. Screaming terrible obscenities and threats. When my husband is rightfully annoyed with me for something or another, and he speaks his truth to me, that darn beard, and the feelings of conflict I associate with bearded men, trigger such intense anger in me. I am such a terrible wife because I will yell to my angel husband the things I wished I yelled back then, to the actual "bearded villain". When I am yelling I am not really yelling at my husband, but rather my past.


"Love relationships are mirrors of the inner self. We learn how lovable we are and how valuable our love is to others only by interacting with the people we love. Young children never question the impressions of themselves reflected by caretakers and peers. They do not think that their critical, stressed-out mothers or their raging fathers are just having a bad time or trying to recover from their own difficult childhoods. Young children attribute negative reflections of themselves from significant others to their own inadequacy and unworthiness.

Suppose you had internalized your body image based on reflections from a fun house mirror, which made your hips look a mile wide. You would think you were in deep trouble and that no diet could help. Once you've internalized such a negative image, you distrust even accurate mirrors. People who are gaunt from eating disorders actually see themselves as fat when they look in a mirror that reflects little more than skin and bones. Even those who do not have eating disorders but who were told repeatedly as children that they were too thin are likely to see themselves as thin adults, despite mirror reflections that show a few extra pounds.

When it comes to physical appearance, at least we have lots of other mirrors to compare to the distorted funhouse reflection. But there are no reflections of love other than those we get from the people we love. If you judge how lovable you are based on reflections from someone who cannot love without hurt, you will have a necessarily distorted and inaccurate view of yourself.

The instinct to believe the information about the self that loved ones reflect weakens somewhat as we grow older, but it remains active throughout life. You would probably laugh—or at least not get angry—at a stranger who implied that you have green hair, but if your husband or wife says it, you're likely to run to a mirror. The default assumption is, if your partner is displeased, there must be something wrong with you, and you need anger or resentment for protection." (psychologytoday.com)

After reading this article it clicked inside me that I view my husband through a fun-house mirror. I view him, or more so his role in my life, through clouded distortions based on past experiences. I'm still not separating my husband from my past. He was not a part of those past memories, so why can I not see him clearly, for the committed, loving, Christian, protector of my heart that he is? Why am I boxing him into a category of my life he does not belong? The past. He is my present and my future. He is my now and for always. Why am I treating him as a has-been, and this generalization of a man who he simply is not?

C.S. Lewis speaks to my heart regarding these thoughts and questions:

“Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as ‘Careful! This might lead you to suffering.’

To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.…

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

(From The Four Loves, as found in The Inspirational Writings of C.S. Lewis, 278-279.)

I love this interpretation of Lewis' piece from: www.purposefullyscarred.com

Once trust is lost, it has to be regained. Your trust in other people has been lost, or at least seriously damaged, and you have to patiently work on rebuilding that ability to trust. As Lewis wrote, there is no safe investment when it comes to loving the creatures of this world. People fail one another, hurt each other. Loved ones die. Pets are lost. Eventually, our hearts will break.

Allowing yourself to trust again may take years. And, frankly, there will be people who never earn or regain your trust and that’s okay. Rebuilding your ability to trust another person does not mean you drop all defenses. Real trust, particularly after abuse, is not allowed the luxury of assuming someone is what they appear. But, as Lewis cautioned, there is far more danger in an unbreakable heart than in vulnerability.

In a healthy relationship, vulnerability builds intimacy. That’s how marriage was designed to work: two people being totally open with each other, trusting that the other person will love them unconditionally and not based on any failures or inadequacies they might bring to the table. Long term, trust is absolutely necessary to building a healthy, lasting relationship.

I expect someday, if God leads a man into my life to stay, that man will understand this. We will be able to enjoy each other through mutual vulnerability and total trust. At the end of the day, no matter what a man might say or do to me, even my husband, I can trust that Jesus Christ is never going to betray me. Ever. No matter what I say, do, think, feel. He has claimed me as His own and that is permanent. God guarantees spiritual life and freedom for eternity through faith in Jesus Christ. His is the greatest love I will ever experience and it is never going to be removed. If the entire world around me were to turn against me, I would still have everything in Christ. I can trust Him.

I can trust Him with my relationships.

You can trust Him. His love is everlasting, His mercies are unending, and His faithfulness is unparalleled.

Jesus is the only safe investment of my love because His love is unconditional, unending, and unfaltering."

I have to be taught by my husband, through the proof within his daily actions that I can trust him. He has never given me a reason not to trust him, or believe he will physically or emotionally hurt me. The mean words and phrases I spew at him are a self-defense adapted through pain. An unhealthy adapted defense. A defense that builds walls up around me. The idea being, "If I say these mean things to you, or about you; maybe I will believe they are true, and I will shut you out before you even have a chance to harm me". Unfortunately this defense does exactly that. It shuts him out. 

How can I break this cycle? How can I break down my walls? How can I stop giving the abuse I am so afraid of receiving? 

I need ruminate on these 6 points:

1. Pain is a learned survival mechanism to protect myself.

2. Pain is an output from my brain, and usually not an input into my brain.

3. I often think my heart is in danger, when really it is not.

4. My pain breeds pain.

5. Pain can be triggered from unrelated factors.

6. I can change my sensitivity to pain.

When my pain continues for long periods of time without any real source of continuing harm or damage, there might be a problem with the pain processing system, not the person I am directing my pain towards.

As I lay in bed last night, the first night that I was aware that our baby was with Jesus, I found myself talking to the Lord, asking the Lord to hold our baby the way we long to hold our baby. I asked Heavenly Father to nuzzle our baby's smooth head under Heavenly Father's chin, on His neck. To let His neck perfectly mold into our baby's head, and be the perfect resting place. I asked Heavenly Father to breathe in our baby's sweet scent, and be intoxicated by it. Breathing it in deeply, all the while His breath soothes our baby. I asked the He feel the in-and-out motion our baby's breathing creates, as he or she is held against Heavenly Father's chest. I requested that Heavenly Father feel the plump roundness of that sweet baby bottom, and gently pat our baby's bottom in rhythm with our baby's heart, who has the honor of mimicking Heavenly Father's own heart...the most pure heart of all. I prayed for Heavenly Father to sing a song to our baby, whispering the lyrics in our babies tiny, and impressionable ear: "All night. All day. Angels in the morning. Angels in the evening. All night. All day. Angels watching over me." This nursery rhyme holds a whole new meaning now, and completely new imagery.
Today I am praying to Heavenly Father that our baby knows that his mommy and daddy are never far away, and are ready to be with him or her at any moment, and our choice is to be there. I want our baby to know that it is not his or her parents' choice to not physically be there right now. We had zero say in this decision. It was Heavenly Father's choice, for whatever reason. I pray our baby is comforted by the true reason, and feels unconditionally loved by it. I never want our baby to feel alone, or abandoned. Never. Not for a split second. I want our baby to feel that I carry him or her still, in my spirit, and my spirit was created by Heavenly Father; just as our baby's spirit was created by Heavenly Father. We are with one another through our spirit, even when we are not physically with one another. I am relieved to know our baby is being doted on in Heaven by his or her great-grandparents, who are beyond thrilled to be holding our baby in honor of Mommy and Daddy.

I feel you my Sweet Little Love. I feel you deeply. I pray that you feel Mommy and Daddy too. Mommy has to be allowed to believe that you feel me.

I am here, living to die so that I can be with you in Heaven.

For Our Sweet Baby...

Our Blessing to Our Baby:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

A Letter to My Baby 

(Written by Kayla and read and blessed by Pete)

I did not hold you, but I felt you, and I still feel you. You are your daddy's, and your mommy's; but you are forever our Father's. The only way my mind can wrap my head around not holding you in seven and a half months, is knowing you will never, ever, know pain, or sorrow, anxiety, depression, or fear...or anything that your sweet daddy and I are feeling now. You were given to the Lord before you were even conceived, and I find grace knowing you are with him now, before you took your first breath, while your breath was still my breath. Your daddy and I hold each other today, in honor of you. Our strength is in the strength of your Heavenly Father, knowing in our souls that he is carrying you perfectly, better than we ever could, even though we so desperately want to. I know more than anything else that we will hold you in our embrace when we truly begin our lives in Heaven, your home, our real home together, once the Lord calls your daddy and I there with you. Please tell Jesus that your mommy and daddy need him more than ever before, because we do not have words to speak right now. One thing that we will never be incapable of saying, though, is that we love you sweet baby! We love you, we love, we love you. You are not dead at all, you are alive and flourishing with Heavenly Father. In fact, you know life better than your daddy and I do. For life is in Heaven, not Earth. You get to live before any of us do. What a joy that is to our hearts. Thank you Jesus for truly bringing our baby home.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Adding an Andrews

It has been several months since I have written about anything. Fortunately a major reason for this is that life has been busy, stable, calm, consistent, and relaxed. I felt the nudge tonight to write about the phase of life that we have just recently entered. We are currently trying to start our family. It has been my ultimate dream to be a mother, and I am entering the first block on a long road.

In recent years I had a gut feeling that having a baby would not be a simple and quick process for me. I could not fathom that the medication I have taken throughout the years would not have some sort of effect on my ability to carry a child, or even get pregnant in the first place. I also could not imagine what pregnancy would be like for someone who has struggled with the mental and emotional battles I have overcome. As many know, I have spent the last couple years detoxing off medication; specifically anxiety medications. I am full of joy saying that I feel so much better off these medications than I ever did when I was on them. I am also joyful saying that it is going on seven months since I had my very last anxiety pill.

The doctors who I work closely with, as well as family and friends, all agree the two particular medications I still take are beneficial to my overall wellbeing and definitely help me function healthfully. Realizing that these last two medicines are needed I did not know what would happen once we started trying for a baby and once I was pregnant.

The first step we took was to work closely with my mental health professionals. I also met with my OBGYN to take the steps I needed to take to get my body and mind ready to start the conception process. I knew my pregnancy will be considered high risk, but I did not know exactly what that entails. My biggest concern was that I would not be able to take any medications to keep me in the stable place I am today, or that medication would harm our baby. Of course I heard and read every medication horror story, and before I had taken any steps to prepare for conception I made sure to properly scare myself with research ;) Anyone who knows me well knows I am a research-aholic. I like to know every little detail about every little possibility to a fault. By the time I met with my first OBGYN I felt like I knew more about high risk pregnancy then she did ;)

I have never struggled with high blood pressure; in fact I tend to have low blood pressure; but the day I went to meet the OBGYN and get my first genuine prenatal assessment, my blood pressure was through the roof. She assured me it was simply nerves, and a follow up blood pressure test at a pharmacy the next day proved she was right.  I realized finding the right OB would be a process after meeting with her as well.

One of my biggest fears were the "what ifs" in regards to taking medication or not taking medication during the prenatal process. The Lord completely took care of everything. It turns out that there are several medications, including the ones I just happen to be taking, that are no more harmful to a developing baby than taking Tylenol. The categories of medication were completely explained to me in regards to risk to a developing baby, and my anxiety was completely addressed. I had this horrible image in my mind of having to completely detox off any medication, and living a 10 month mental hell in order to have a healthy child. Of course I would go through absolutely anything to keep my children healthy and safe, but it was extremely encouraging to know that 10 months of emotional instability due to unmedicated mental health conditions was not going to be necessary.

All I have learned through my own experiences and worries will be manifested towards directing my child or children, under the Lord's guidance, down the path that they can paint gold.

I am currently taking holistic fertility supplements to balance my hormones, a prenatal vitamin, and an extra dose of folic acid. These supplements are to help rejuvenate my system from any suppression from past or present medications, and the extra folic acid is an added precaution against medication side effects transmitting to a developing baby. I am also training with a professional trainer at least three days a week to help me gain top physical health, and lose the weight gained from anxiety medications. All of this is before I even get pregnant so our baby has healthy development conditions from their first second of life.

My mindset is simply; A healthier me and healthier baby. I am in the headspace that everything I do now is for my future children and our family. As each month has passed without a successful conception I do find myself feeling discouraged. One thing I never doubt is that I WILL be a mother, and a great mother at that. My dream right now is a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby. Of course no matter what circumstances may come with our child I want him or her to know that they have been prayed for all my life, before there was life in them. They have been wanted all my life before I even know who they are. They are loved now, even before they have been created. They have a mom who has gone through fire so I have the knowledge on how to help put out there's. They have a mom who was created, so that they could be created. They have parents who want to teach them about Jesus, so that He can give them everything this earth cannot give them. I want them to know that they are so desperately wanted, dreamed about, prayed about, planned for, and cried over.

My heart has belonged to them before their heart has taken it's first beat.

"A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...?"

Link: Once Upon a Dream

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once upon a dream

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

Link: A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper

Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you

Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart
When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will loose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow

The dream that you wish will come true
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart
When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

I have come to the conclusion that my mind wishes to sleep during the day, and wake up once my eyes shut and I fall asleep. I do not feel I have slept, and truly rested, in an extremely long time. I have spent time pondering why I have become so tired during my waking hours, and it has occurred to me that I am tired because I am processing so much in my dreams. My dreams are intensely vivid. The next day I usually can describe them in vast detail. I know I experience lucid dreaming on a regular occasion. While there has been some skepticism throughout history of the realities of lucid dreaming, in my personal experience, I find no other way to describe the majority dreams as anything but lucid.

"Paul Tholey, an oneirologist and Gestalt theorist laid the epistemological basis for the research of lucid dreams. His work laid the foreground for further researchers to categorize what a lucid dream is. Tholey (1980, 1981) defined seven different conditions of clarity that a dream must fulfill in order to be defined as a lucid dream:
Awareness of the dream state (orientation);
Awareness of the capacity to make decisions;
Awareness of memory functions;
Awareness of identity;
Awareness of the dream environment;
Awareness of the meaning of the dream;
Awareness of concentration and focus (the subjective clarity of that state).

For a dream to be lucid as defined by Tholey, it must fulfill all 7 factors together." (1)

I have found myself dreaming about a specific person who I knew during my school years; on an almost nightly basis. This person is a male, and played no known significance in my social or personal life from the moment I began high school, but they did in elementary and middle school. This particular person has been known to take on the characteristics of males who have played an important role in my life when he appears in my dreams. I believe I dream about this person over and over again because I find myself trying to figure out what, if anything, this person symbolizes in my subconscious, therefore he has been on my mind on a regular basis. I do remember as a child yearning for attention and acceptance from this person, and I know that this person's harsh and degrading comments to myself and others effected me deeply. I believe I can conclude that this particular male was the first male to truly hurt me emotionally, and his cruel actions and words toward me unfortunately effected my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. 

My dreams are torturous because they do not let me "forgive and forget." I relive so many experiences in my dreams. Of course, these experiences are typically troublesome. When I dream about one character from my past I tend to have the "the chase" dream. This is a dream where either they are chasing me, or they are being chased by people I once knew. If they are chasing me, I am hardly outrunning them. If they are being chased by people I once knew, I am typically hiding or out maneuvering him the entire dream. The commonality between them is obviously the idea of trying to escape him. 

When I dream about a group of girls I was once friends with, I usually have the dream when I am driving a car and I cannot get the breaks on the car to work. This usually results in me slamming the car into other cars, or structures, and pieces of the car breaking off. Sometimes certain girls are in the car with me, or I drive the "bad breaks car" after dreaming about certain interactions with them. The commonality amongst these dreams is the sense of having no control of where I am going, something blocking my intended destination, or a constant struggle to the end of my journey. Also the idea that there is no "end to the journey" because in the dream the car keeps gliding, with no sense of direction, when I am struggling to make it come to a stop. As I write this, it occurs to me that this is indicative of how my mind works much of the time. My mind keeps going and going, as I struggle to slow my thoughts down and make them stop. I know I have obsessive compulsive aspects to my behavior and mind and a few of these girls, who's friendships I have lost, I think about continually, reliving certain confrontations, and obsessively wondering what they must think of me. 

Lastly, a common dream is not being able to find my husband in times of severe stress, dread, or when I am dreaming about past sinful behavior. I may be able to find signs of him or hear him calling to me, but I can never seem to get to him. This is the dream where I find myself trying to escape the dream by waking up more so than in any other dream. I often start this frustrating search when "villains" of my conscious past pop into my dream. Many times if my abuser pops into my dream, I will not be able to find my husband. There is a common situation I will dream about when I will try to find rescue in my husband, and I am unable to get to him, but it is too personal to write about publicly. One possible interpretation that comes to my mind is that I spent so much of my life "searching" for my husband in men who were "nightmares." I would try to make these men into a man like my husband, but of course it would never work. Another, deeper, interpretation is a spiritual one. I would call out to God on so many painful occasions, but for years did not "find" him. I prayed to hear God speaking into my life, but never quite heard him until I was redeemed. Why my husband is representative of a spiritual aspect to my life? I am unsure. One possible reason for this is that I ignored my spiritual life for so many years in search of a "husband". The search for a husband became my idea of being "saved". Now that I am TRULY saved my The Lord Jesus Christ, is this failed quest truly visible to me because for so long I was blind and in denial of my choices and actions. 

"Broken Record"

Hozier: Take Me to Church

"Take Me To Church"

My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshiped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

'We were born sick,' you heard them say it

My Church offers no absolutes.
She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you—

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am Human
Only then I am Clean
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

These past 8 years have seemed like an endless cycle of one challenge after another, but with each cycle of challenges have come many wonderful blessings, and periods of growth. There have been many times that it seems as one challenge comes to an end, another one is birthed. There have been several friendships I have lost in the last eight years due to the seemingly endless cycle of "one thing after another," and friends getting sickened by it. I have already discussed many of the hardships I have faced in the previous posts, so I will not rehash them once again. Instead, I want to focus on how I have remained strong, or pulled myself back up; when it seems as though life is "playing a joke on me", and how I live with self-respect while revealing so much publicly that could potentially (and has) created great criticism.

One thing I want to say, before I talk about the topics mentioned just previously, is that it has taken me this whole eight year period to get to where I am today; and much of these mindsets and strategies I will discuss have only come into fruition in the last six to eight months. I say this because I want to let anyone who is reading "Stigmas and Stilettos", who may relate to past posts within this blog, know that obtaining strength takes time, and many times we have to endure much pain to become the person we dream of becoming. I also want to say that there are seasons of strength, and seasons of perceived weakness. We may feel and appear strong for a long time, and then something will humble us, bring us to our knees, and cause us to surrender in order to get back up again. I read the funny, and extremely true quote, "God gives the biggest battles to his strongest warriors. In that case, God must think I'm a badass." For most of my life I have felt small, weak, and inferior. Only in the last year have I come to see that I truly am a "badass". I say that with a humorous smile.

One aspect to my personality that I have had to pay close attention to, and refine many times over, is my strong bent to want to "people please" and have "everybody" like me. To some who may read that last sentence they may think, "Isn't that a good thing?" Yes, it has good aspects to it, but honestly it is debilitating and exhausting. It is even more crushing when you have any kind of mood disorder. For so much of my life I lived wearing a mask (as I have talked about in previous posts). As "loud and proud" as I came across during previous years, I actually hid so much strife and challenges. People may think this is ironic now (and my insecurity says people may wish I was still like this), I used to rarely talk openly about the battles I was going through; especially in a public forum. A big reason for this is the idea of people criticizing me, getting annoyed by my story, flat out not liking me, or saying unkind things about me would completely bring down my spirit. I was truly way more concerned about what how other people perceived me, then I was about how I perceived myself. I ignored, pushed aside, or covered so much of my anguish that there finally came several points that I simply broke down or blew up with those I was closest with; friends and family.

Once I left my abusive relationship, and began dating again, I met a man who allowed me to open up with him. We only saw each other one time, but we emailed back-and-forth for months. Due to the fact that I had not met someone up until that point who made me feel comfortable enough to truly "let it all out" I completely became a "word vomiter" with him. It was not uncommon for me to write him several times a day. Also, the fact that I could write him, and write my thoughts out (As I do now in this blog), became extremely therapeutic. It also became my crutch (which is unhealthy). There was a point that I thought I was addicted to him, when really I just became "addicted" to finally getting my years of pent up emotions and perceived "obsessions" out of my head, and into tangible writing. Also, just the idea of sending out my thoughts in an email (or out into the public at all) was therapeutic. It was actually a "high" that I had never experienced, especially with a man. Of course, as stated previously; I confused the "high" of "outing" my pain in writing, and into the "world", as a "high" for him as an individual. Really, it was nothing to do with him, but merely an example of an unhealthy therapeutic experience that I had never had before. Of course, once I realized that writing, basically an acquaintance is not something I should continue; I did everything I needed to do to cut that tie. Strangers have been close friends many times in my life.

The point I am getting to is that writing has become one of the best ways for me to feel "sane" now that I have found a much healthier outlet for it. Again, sometimes you need to struggle to gain strength and find the answers you are looking for. What I learned from that experience is that there are people who are able to truly listen to you, and genuinely want to be there for you, no matter how "crazy" the stories and feelings you share with them may seem. Before that "email frenzy" I truly believed no one would ever be able to understand me, or give me hope. I definitely needed more boundaries, face-to-face communication, loving embrace and support; but at least I knew afterwards that even in the murky waters, there is always going to be someone there for you when you are lost...no matter how much of a stranger they may seem at first. I believe God also wanted me to see that men outside of my family are capable of listening to me, showing compassion, and never abandoning me when I am being vulnerable. When I ended that "relationship" I felt so much more comfortable being open, and having others know my weaknesses...It also helped me be open with my husband when we first started dating.  I was able to see that just because you feel something and talk about pain, does not mean there has to be a terrible consequence, or end in me getting hurt.

I was able to no longer fear my feelings.

Writing is one of a few ways I stay "sane" when everyone is calling me "crazy". I will write about the other ways soon.

More to come.

"We Held on and Never Let Go"

On the way to church to marry my best friend.

I love to think about Pete, my husband. Thinking about him is a safe place for me that my mind can go to.  To think about him is to think about a dream that I could not have painted on my own. Leading  up to the week, hours, minutes, seconds before I walked down the aisle, I made sure my focus was on Pete. He is my tranquility, my serenity, my stillness, my peace of mind, and he is all these things because I know his heart, I know Jesus is in his soul, and I know the Lord wanted us to be husband and wife. 

Link: Radio
Not even they can stop me now
Boy, I’ll be flying overhead
Their heavy words can’t bring me down
Boy I've been raised from the dead

No one even knows how hard life was
I don't even think about it now because
I've finally found you
Oh, sing it to me

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

American dreams came true somehow
I swore I'd chase until I was dead
I heard the streets were paved with gold
That's what my father said

No one even knows what life was like
Now I'm in LA and it's paradise
I've finally found you
Oh, sing it to me

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

(On the radio)
Sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

(On the radio)
Sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
I've finally found you
(Oh, sing it to me)

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)
Oh, sing it to me

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Link: The Story
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

Oh yeah, well it's true... that
I was made for you...

These songs are my "Pete Songs". They are tattered and torn, just like me, yet there is hope and beauty in them. Pete brings out my beauty in the midst of my calamity.

A few days before we married my neck completely went out. I could not move due to the agonizing spasm. Pete was the calm in the storm. This was Jesus' gift to me. I went to a doctor and she prescribed me muscle relaxers and Vicodin. This was my first time taking a muscle relaxer. To this day I crave those pills, but am elated to say I have not had one. The "high" I elicited from both those pills was so comforting the week before a wedding (to someone who has a history of abusing and "enjoying" pills). One thing I knew is that I wanted to be sedate on my wedding day. I did not want it my peace to come from a pill or a drink, I wanted it to come from the certainty that I was marrying the man the Lord intended for me.

One thing I was worried about was my social anxiety (all those faces watching me as I walked down the aisle). I was also worried about withdrawal from the muscle relaxers and Vicodin. I prayed and prayed. I prayed for my neck as well. Pete had been stressed about the cost of the wedding, and that we (Well I should say, I) changed our wedding date three times because of my irrational anxiety triggers. We went from a beach wedding (wedding date number one), to a country club wedding (wedding date number two); and landed with a Christmas wedding (wedding date number three). Poor Pete! When all was said and done I ended up with zero pain in my neck, very little social anxiety, and only had one small glass of champagne at our reception. Pete said he loved our wedding day.

We were thrilled to come before God and exchange vows of love and faithfulness.  Our ceremony was a classic Lutheran Liturgical ceremony. Liturgical is the customary public worship done by a specific religious group, according to its particular traditions.

Ceremony:

Entrance

The assembly stands as the ministers and the wedding group enter.
Music—hymn, song, psalm, instrumental music—may accompany the entrance.

Greeting

The presiding minister and the assembly greet each other.
M:The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God,
and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
C:And also with you.

INTRODUCTION

The minister may introduce the rite with these or similar words:

A
M: Dear friends: We have come together in the presence of God to witness the marriage of name and name, to surround them with our prayers, and to share in their joy.

The scriptures teach us that the bond and covenant of marriage is a gift of God, a holy mystery in which two become one flesh, an image of the union of Christ and the church. As name and name give themselves to each other today, we remember that at Cana in Galilee our Lord Jesus Christ made the wedding feast a sign of God’s reign of love.

Let us enter into this celebration confident that, through the Holy Spirit, Christ is present with us now also; we pray that this couple may fulfill God’s purpose for the whole of their lives.

B
M: Name and Name have come to make their marriage vows in the presence of God and of this congregation. Let us now witness their promise to each other and surround them with our prayers, giving thanks to God for the gift of marriage and asking God’s blessing upon them, so that they may be strengthened for their life together and nurtured in their love for God.

We rejoice that marriage is given by God, blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ, and sustained by the Holy Spirit. Therefore, let marriage be held in honor by all.

C
M: The Lord God in goodness created us male and female, and by the gift of marriage founded human community in a joy that begins now and is brought to perfection in the life to come.

Because of sin, our age-old rebellion, the gladness of marriage can be overcast and the gift of the family can become a burden. But because God, who established marriage, continues still to bless it with abundant and ever-present support, we can be sustained in our weariness and have our joy restored.

D
M: Beloved people of God, we have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the covenant of love and fidelity name and name are to make with each other.

The union of two persons in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual, for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and that their love may be a blessing to all whom they encounter. This solemn covenant is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and with commitment to seek God’s will for their lives.



Declaration of Intention

The minister addresses the couple in these or similar words, asking each person in turn:

A
M: Name, will you have name to be your wife/husband, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her/him, comfort her/him, honor and keep her/him, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live?
Response:
B/G: I will.

The minister may address the assembly in these or similar words.
M: Will you, the families of name and name, give your love and blessing to this new family?
C: We will.

The minister says to the assembly:
M: Will all of you, by God’s grace, do everything in your power to uphold and care for these two persons in their life together?
C: We will.


B
M: Name, will you receive name as your wife/husband and bind yourself to her/him in the covenant of marriage? Will you promise to love and honor her/him in true devotion, to rejoice with her/him in times of gladness, to grieve with her/him as long as you both shall live?
Response: I will, with the help of God.

C
M: Name, living in the promise of God, joined in Christ in your baptism; will you give yourself to name in love and faithfulness? Will you share your life with her/him in joy and in sorrow, in health and in sickness, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, and will you be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live?
Response: I will, with the help of God.

Assembly

B
The minister says to the assembly:
M: Families, friends, and all those gathered here with name and name, will you promise to support and care for them in their life together, to sustain and pray for them in times of trouble, to give thanks with them in times of joy, to honor the bonds of their covenant, and to affirm the love of god reflected in their lives?
C: We will, with the help of God.


C

When pastorally appropriate, one or both of these questions may be used when children are brought into the family of those to be married.

The minister may ask the couple:
Name and name, will you be faithful and loving parents to name/s?
Response: We will, with the help of God.

The minister may ask the children:
Name/s, will you help name and name in their marriage?
Response: We will with the help of God.


Prayer of the Day

The presiding minister leads the following or another prayer of the day.
Let us pray.

A
Eternal God, our creator and redeemer, as you gladdened the wedding at Cana in Galilee by the presence of your Son, so bring your joy to this wedding by his presence now. Look in favor upon name and name and grant that they, rejoicing in all your gifts, may at length celebrate the unending marriage feast with Christ our Lord, who lives, and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.
C: Amen.

B
Let us pray. Eternal God, our creator and redeemer, as you gladdened the wedding at Cana in Galilee by the presence of your Son, so bring your joy to this wedding by his presence now. Look in favor upon name and name and grant that they, rejoicing in all your gifts, may at length celebrate the unending marriage feast with Christ our Lord, one God, now and forever.
C: Amen.

Readings
The assembly is seated. Two or three scripture readings are proclaimed. When the service includes communion, the last is a reading from the gospels. Responses may include a psalm in response to a reading from the Old Testament, a sung acclamation preceding the reading of the gospel, or other appropriate hymns, songs, and psalms.

Sermon
Silence for reflection follows.

Hymn of the Day
A hymn of the day may be sung.


Vows
The couple may join hands. Each promises faithfulness to the other in these or similar words.
OPTION A: I take you, name, to be my
I take you; name, to be my wife/husband from this day forward,
to join with you and share all that is to come,
and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us.

OPTION B: In the presence of God
In the presence of God and this community,
I, name, take you, name, to be my wife/husband;
to have and to hold from this day forward,
in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.
This is my solemn vow.

C
I take you; name, to be my wife/husband from this day forward, to join with you and share all that is come, and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us

D
I, name, give myself to you, name. By the grace of god, I promise to support and care for you. In the love of Christ, I promise to love and cherish you. With the Spirit’s help, I promise to be faithful to you, as long as we both shall live.

E
I take you; name, to be my wife/husband, and these things I promise you: I will respect, trust, help, and care for you; I will forgive you as we have been forgiven; and I will share my life with you, through the best and worst of all that is to come, until death parts us.


Giving of Rings
When rings are to be exchanged, they may be placed on the service book of the minister or held by an assisting minister.

The presiding minister may say:
A
Bless these rings, O God; may they who wear them live in love and fidelity, and continue in your service all the days of their lives, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

B
Gracious God, by your blessing let these rings be to name and name a symbol of their unending love and faithfulness, to remind them of the vows and covenant they have made this day, through Jesus Christ. Amen.

C
We give thanks, O God of grace, for your love and faithful to your people. Bless these rings, that they may be symbols of the enduring commitment name and name have made to each other; through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

The couple may exchange rings with these or similar words.
OPTION A: This ring as a sign
Name, I give you this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness.

OPTION B: This ring as a symbol
Name, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow.
With all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you,
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.


Acclamation
The presiding minister addresses the assembly.
M: Name and name, by their promises before God and in the presence of this assembly, have joined themselves to one another as husband and wife.
Those whom God has joined together let no one separate.
C: Amen. Thanks be to God.

The assembly may offer acclamation with applause. A sung acclamation, hymn, or other music may follow.

Other symbols of marriage may be given or used at this time.

Marriage Blessing
The couple may kneel. The presiding minister may extend a hand over the couple while praying for God's blessing in the following or similar words.
A
Most gracious God, we give you thanks for your tender love in sending Jesus Christ to come among us, to be born of a human mother, and to endure the cross for our sake, that we may have abundance of life.
By the power of your Holy Spirit pour out the abundance of your blessing on name and name. Defend them from every enemy. Lead them into all peace. Let your love be a seal upon their hearts, a mantle about their shoulders, and a crown upon their foreheads.
Bless them so that their lives together may bear witness to your love. Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in their sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their life and in their death.
Finally, in your mercy, bring them to that table where your saints feast forever in your heavenly home, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives, and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.
Amen.

B
We give you thanks, most gracious God, for in your great love you created us male and female and made the union of husband and wife an image of the covenant between you and your people. You sent Jesus Christ to come among us, making your love visible in him, to bring new life to the world.
Send you Holy Spirit to pour out the abundance of your blessing on name and name, who have this day given themselves to each other in marriage.
Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in their sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their life and in their death. Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts, a mantle about their shoulders, and a crown upon their foreheads.
Bless them so that all may see in their lives together within the community of your people a vision of your kingdom on earth. And finally, in the fullness of time, welcome them into the glory of your presence.
Through your Son Jesus Christ with the Holy Spirit in your holy church all honor and glory is yours, almighty Father, now and forever. Amen.

B
When a prayer for children is desired, the following words may be included in the blessing immediately before “Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts”: Give them the gift and heritage of children in accordance with your will, and make their home a haven of peace.

C
When children are brought into the family of the newly married couple, the following words may be included in the blessing immediately before “Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts”: You have given them a gift and heritage of children; make their home a haven of peace.

D
Most gracious God, we give you thanks for your tender love in sending Jesus Christ to come among us, to be born of a human mother, and to make the way of the cross to be the way of life.
By the power of your Holy Spirit, pour out your abundant blessing upon name and name. Defend them from every enemy. Lead them from every enemy. Lead them into all peace. Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts, a mantle about their shoulders, and a crown upon their foreheads.
Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in the sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their life and in their death.
Finally in your mercy, bring them to that table where your saints feast forever in your banquet; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who with you and the Holy Spirit lives and reigns, one God, now and forever. Amen.

E
The Lord God, who created our first parents and established them in marriage, establish and sustain you, that you may find delight in each other and grow in holy love until your life’s end. Amen.

Parents or others may speak additional words of blessing and encouragement at this time.

Prayers of Intercession

The assembly stands. Prayers of intercession for the world and its needs may be prayed.

Each petition may end:
M: Gracious and faithful God,
C: hear our prayer.

A
M: Seeing how gently God has loved us, let us pray for the whole world.
For the Christian community everywhere; for the life and ministry of the baptized, and for pastors, leaders, and servant of the Gospel, that the church may be the risen body of Christ in the world. O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For all communities everywhere; for our nation, for all those who govern and for all in authority, and for justice and peace throughout the world. O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For those we love easily, and for those with whom we struggle, for those different from us and for those familiar to us, that we might be instruments of God’s peace. O god, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For those who suffer in any way, and those who are lonely, for the sick, the dying, and those who are bereaved, for those who are poor, hungry, homeless, or unemployed, for the victims of violence, hatred, and intolerance. O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For all those who are bound to us in love; for our families, friends, and neighbors, remembering also all who have gone before us (especially name/s). O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: Creator of all, you make us in your image and likeness and fill us with everlasting life. Hear the prayers of your people and grant to name and name grace to live in unity and joy all the days of their lives. We ask this through Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit, to whom, with you, one God, be praise forever and ever.
C: Amen.

The presiding minister concludes the prayers, and the assembly responds
Amen.

A service with communion continues with the peace. After the presiding minister greets the assembly, the couple may greet each other with the kiss of peace, and the assembly may greet one another in peace.

PRAYER AFTER COMMUNION
M: Loving God, we thank you that you have fed us in this holy meal, united us with Christ, and given us a foretaste of the marriage feast of the Lamb. So strengthen us in your service that our daily lives may show our thanks, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
C: Amen.


Lord's Prayer

A service without communion continues as follows.
OPTION A: Our Father in heaven
C: Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins
as we forgive those
who sin against us?
Save us from the time of trial
and deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power,
and the glory are yours,
now and forever. Amen

OPTION B: Our Father, who art in heaven
C: Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever. Amen


Peace
If it has not been included earlier in the service, the greeting of peace may be shared.
M: The peace of Christ be with you always.
C: And also with you.

The couple may greet one another with the kiss of peace. All present may greet one another with a gesture of peace, and may say, "Peace be with you," or similar words.

Blessing

The presiding minister proclaims God's blessing in these or similar words.
OPTION A: The blessed and holy Trinity
M: The blessed and holy Trinity
make you strong in faith and love,
defend you on every side,
and guide you in truth and peace,
now and forever.
C: Amen.

OPTION B: God almighty send you light and truth
M: God Almighty send you light and truth
to keep you all the days of your life.
The hand of God protect you;
the holy angels accompany you;
and the blessing of almighty God,
the Father, the + Son, and the Holy Spirit,
be with you now and forever.
C: Amen.

C
M: The blessed and holy Trinity make you strong in faith and love, defend you on every side, and guide you in truth and peace, now and forever.
C: Amen.

Dismissal
An assisting minister may send the assembly forth in these or similar words.
M: Go in peace. Serve the Lord.
C: Thanks be to God.

  Just about to hear "Mr. and Mrs. Peter Andrews" for the first time! Our wedding was an event, but our marriage is a life affirming, life long relationship of Pete and I, and our willingness to form the very foundation of human community. We confidently and unabashedly seek God's help through Jesus Christ.

This quote is the epitome of Pete.

Our first kiss as a married couple.

Our Wedding Portrait

Our Wedding cake and my bouquet.

We were gentle with each other.

Reception

Pete.