"A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...?"

Link: Once Upon a Dream

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once upon a dream

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

Link: A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper

Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you

Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart
When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will loose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow

The dream that you wish will come true
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart
When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

I have come to the conclusion that my mind wishes to sleep during the day, and wake up once my eyes shut and I fall asleep. I do not feel I have slept, and truly rested, in an extremely long time. I have spent time pondering why I have become so tired during my waking hours, and it has occurred to me that I am tired because I am processing so much in my dreams. My dreams are intensely vivid. The next day I usually can describe them in vast detail. I know I experience lucid dreaming on a regular occasion. While there has been some skepticism throughout history of the realities of lucid dreaming, in my personal experience, I find no other way to describe the majority dreams as anything but lucid.

"Paul Tholey, an oneirologist and Gestalt theorist laid the epistemological basis for the research of lucid dreams. His work laid the foreground for further researchers to categorize what a lucid dream is. Tholey (1980, 1981) defined seven different conditions of clarity that a dream must fulfill in order to be defined as a lucid dream:
Awareness of the dream state (orientation);
Awareness of the capacity to make decisions;
Awareness of memory functions;
Awareness of identity;
Awareness of the dream environment;
Awareness of the meaning of the dream;
Awareness of concentration and focus (the subjective clarity of that state).

For a dream to be lucid as defined by Tholey, it must fulfill all 7 factors together." (1)

I have found myself dreaming about a specific person who I knew during my school years; on an almost nightly basis. This person is a male, and played no known significance in my social or personal life from the moment I began high school, but they did in elementary and middle school. This particular person has been known to take on the characteristics of males who have played an important role in my life when he appears in my dreams. I believe I dream about this person over and over again because I find myself trying to figure out what, if anything, this person symbolizes in my subconscious, therefore he has been on my mind on a regular basis. I do remember as a child yearning for attention and acceptance from this person, and I know that this person's harsh and degrading comments to myself and others effected me deeply. I believe I can conclude that this particular male was the first male to truly hurt me emotionally, and his cruel actions and words toward me unfortunately effected my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. 

My dreams are torturous because they do not let me "forgive and forget." I relive so many experiences in my dreams. Of course, these experiences are typically troublesome. When I dream about one character from my past I tend to have the "the chase" dream. This is a dream where either they are chasing me, or they are being chased by people I once knew. If they are chasing me, I am hardly outrunning them. If they are being chased by people I once knew, I am typically hiding or out maneuvering him the entire dream. The commonality between them is obviously the idea of trying to escape him. 

When I dream about a group of girls I was once friends with, I usually have the dream when I am driving a car and I cannot get the breaks on the car to work. This usually results in me slamming the car into other cars, or structures, and pieces of the car breaking off. Sometimes certain girls are in the car with me, or I drive the "bad breaks car" after dreaming about certain interactions with them. The commonality amongst these dreams is the sense of having no control of where I am going, something blocking my intended destination, or a constant struggle to the end of my journey. Also the idea that there is no "end to the journey" because in the dream the car keeps gliding, with no sense of direction, when I am struggling to make it come to a stop. As I write this, it occurs to me that this is indicative of how my mind works much of the time. My mind keeps going and going, as I struggle to slow my thoughts down and make them stop. I know I have obsessive compulsive aspects to my behavior and mind and a few of these girls, who's friendships I have lost, I think about continually, reliving certain confrontations, and obsessively wondering what they must think of me. 

Lastly, a common dream is not being able to find my husband in times of severe stress, dread, or when I am dreaming about past sinful behavior. I may be able to find signs of him or hear him calling to me, but I can never seem to get to him. This is the dream where I find myself trying to escape the dream by waking up more so than in any other dream. I often start this frustrating search when "villains" of my conscious past pop into my dream. Many times if my abuser pops into my dream, I will not be able to find my husband. There is a common situation I will dream about when I will try to find rescue in my husband, and I am unable to get to him, but it is too personal to write about publicly. One possible interpretation that comes to my mind is that I spent so much of my life "searching" for my husband in men who were "nightmares." I would try to make these men into a man like my husband, but of course it would never work. Another, deeper, interpretation is a spiritual one. I would call out to God on so many painful occasions, but for years did not "find" him. I prayed to hear God speaking into my life, but never quite heard him until I was redeemed. Why my husband is representative of a spiritual aspect to my life? I am unsure. One possible reason for this is that I ignored my spiritual life for so many years in search of a "husband". The search for a husband became my idea of being "saved". Now that I am TRULY saved my The Lord Jesus Christ, is this failed quest truly visible to me because for so long I was blind and in denial of my choices and actions. 

"Broken Record"

Hozier: Take Me to Church

"Take Me To Church"

My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshiped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

'We were born sick,' you heard them say it

My Church offers no absolutes.
She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you—

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am Human
Only then I am Clean
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

These past 8 years have seemed like an endless cycle of one challenge after another, but with each cycle of challenges have come many wonderful blessings, and periods of growth. There have been many times that it seems as one challenge comes to an end, another one is birthed. There have been several friendships I have lost in the last eight years due to the seemingly endless cycle of "one thing after another," and friends getting sickened by it. I have already discussed many of the hardships I have faced in the previous posts, so I will not rehash them once again. Instead, I want to focus on how I have remained strong, or pulled myself back up; when it seems as though life is "playing a joke on me", and how I live with self-respect while revealing so much publicly that could potentially (and has) created great criticism.

One thing I want to say, before I talk about the topics mentioned just previously, is that it has taken me this whole eight year period to get to where I am today; and much of these mindsets and strategies I will discuss have only come into fruition in the last six to eight months. I say this because I want to let anyone who is reading "Stigmas and Stilettos", who may relate to past posts within this blog, know that obtaining strength takes time, and many times we have to endure much pain to become the person we dream of becoming. I also want to say that there are seasons of strength, and seasons of perceived weakness. We may feel and appear strong for a long time, and then something will humble us, bring us to our knees, and cause us to surrender in order to get back up again. I read the funny, and extremely true quote, "God gives the biggest battles to his strongest warriors. In that case, God must think I'm a badass." For most of my life I have felt small, weak, and inferior. Only in the last year have I come to see that I truly am a "badass". I say that with a humorous smile.

One aspect to my personality that I have had to pay close attention to, and refine many times over, is my strong bent to want to "people please" and have "everybody" like me. To some who may read that last sentence they may think, "Isn't that a good thing?" Yes, it has good aspects to it, but honestly it is debilitating and exhausting. It is even more crushing when you have any kind of mood disorder. For so much of my life I lived wearing a mask (as I have talked about in previous posts). As "loud and proud" as I came across during previous years, I actually hid so much strife and challenges. People may think this is ironic now (and my insecurity says people may wish I was still like this), I used to rarely talk openly about the battles I was going through; especially in a public forum. A big reason for this is the idea of people criticizing me, getting annoyed by my story, flat out not liking me, or saying unkind things about me would completely bring down my spirit. I was truly way more concerned about what how other people perceived me, then I was about how I perceived myself. I ignored, pushed aside, or covered so much of my anguish that there finally came several points that I simply broke down or blew up with those I was closest with; friends and family.

Once I left my abusive relationship, and began dating again, I met a man who allowed me to open up with him. We only saw each other one time, but we emailed back-and-forth for months. Due to the fact that I had not met someone up until that point who made me feel comfortable enough to truly "let it all out" I completely became a "word vomiter" with him. It was not uncommon for me to write him several times a day. Also, the fact that I could write him, and write my thoughts out (As I do now in this blog), became extremely therapeutic. It also became my crutch (which is unhealthy). There was a point that I thought I was addicted to him, when really I just became "addicted" to finally getting my years of pent up emotions and perceived "obsessions" out of my head, and into tangible writing. Also, just the idea of sending out my thoughts in an email (or out into the public at all) was therapeutic. It was actually a "high" that I had never experienced, especially with a man. Of course, as stated previously; I confused the "high" of "outing" my pain in writing, and into the "world", as a "high" for him as an individual. Really, it was nothing to do with him, but merely an example of an unhealthy therapeutic experience that I had never had before. Of course, once I realized that writing, basically an acquaintance is not something I should continue; I did everything I needed to do to cut that tie. Strangers have been close friends many times in my life.

The point I am getting to is that writing has become one of the best ways for me to feel "sane" now that I have found a much healthier outlet for it. Again, sometimes you need to struggle to gain strength and find the answers you are looking for. What I learned from that experience is that there are people who are able to truly listen to you, and genuinely want to be there for you, no matter how "crazy" the stories and feelings you share with them may seem. Before that "email frenzy" I truly believed no one would ever be able to understand me, or give me hope. I definitely needed more boundaries, face-to-face communication, loving embrace and support; but at least I knew afterwards that even in the murky waters, there is always going to be someone there for you when you are lost...no matter how much of a stranger they may seem at first. I believe God also wanted me to see that men outside of my family are capable of listening to me, showing compassion, and never abandoning me when I am being vulnerable. When I ended that "relationship" I felt so much more comfortable being open, and having others know my weaknesses...It also helped me be open with my husband when we first started dating.  I was able to see that just because you feel something and talk about pain, does not mean there has to be a terrible consequence, or end in me getting hurt.

I was able to no longer fear my feelings.

Writing is one of a few ways I stay "sane" when everyone is calling me "crazy". I will write about the other ways soon.

More to come.

"We Held on and Never Let Go"

On the way to church to marry my best friend.

I love to think about Pete, my husband. Thinking about him is a safe place for me that my mind can go to.  To think about him is to think about a dream that I could not have painted on my own. Leading  up to the week, hours, minutes, seconds before I walked down the aisle, I made sure my focus was on Pete. He is my tranquility, my serenity, my stillness, my peace of mind, and he is all these things because I know his heart, I know Jesus is in his soul, and I know the Lord wanted us to be husband and wife. 

Link: Radio
Not even they can stop me now
Boy, I’ll be flying overhead
Their heavy words can’t bring me down
Boy I've been raised from the dead

No one even knows how hard life was
I don't even think about it now because
I've finally found you
Oh, sing it to me

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

American dreams came true somehow
I swore I'd chase until I was dead
I heard the streets were paved with gold
That's what my father said

No one even knows what life was like
Now I'm in LA and it's paradise
I've finally found you
Oh, sing it to me

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

(On the radio)
Sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

(On the radio)
Sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
I've finally found you
(Oh, sing it to me)

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)
Oh, sing it to me

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a f---- dream I'm living in
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin
'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah
Baby love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)

Link: The Story
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

Oh yeah, well it's true... that
I was made for you...

These songs are my "Pete Songs". They are tattered and torn, just like me, yet there is hope and beauty in them. Pete brings out my beauty in the midst of my calamity.

A few days before we married my neck completely went out. I could not move due to the agonizing spasm. Pete was the calm in the storm. This was Jesus' gift to me. I went to a doctor and she prescribed me muscle relaxers and Vicodin. This was my first time taking a muscle relaxer. To this day I crave those pills, but am elated to say I have not had one. The "high" I elicited from both those pills was so comforting the week before a wedding (to someone who has a history of abusing and "enjoying" pills). One thing I knew is that I wanted to be sedate on my wedding day. I did not want it my peace to come from a pill or a drink, I wanted it to come from the certainty that I was marrying the man the Lord intended for me.

One thing I was worried about was my social anxiety (all those faces watching me as I walked down the aisle). I was also worried about withdrawal from the muscle relaxers and Vicodin. I prayed and prayed. I prayed for my neck as well. Pete had been stressed about the cost of the wedding, and that we (Well I should say, I) changed our wedding date three times because of my irrational anxiety triggers. We went from a beach wedding (wedding date number one), to a country club wedding (wedding date number two); and landed with a Christmas wedding (wedding date number three). Poor Pete! When all was said and done I ended up with zero pain in my neck, very little social anxiety, and only had one small glass of champagne at our reception. Pete said he loved our wedding day.

We were thrilled to come before God and exchange vows of love and faithfulness.  Our ceremony was a classic Lutheran Liturgical ceremony. Liturgical is the customary public worship done by a specific religious group, according to its particular traditions.

Ceremony:

Entrance

The assembly stands as the ministers and the wedding group enter.
Music—hymn, song, psalm, instrumental music—may accompany the entrance.

Greeting

The presiding minister and the assembly greet each other.
M:The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God,
and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
C:And also with you.

INTRODUCTION

The minister may introduce the rite with these or similar words:

A
M: Dear friends: We have come together in the presence of God to witness the marriage of name and name, to surround them with our prayers, and to share in their joy.

The scriptures teach us that the bond and covenant of marriage is a gift of God, a holy mystery in which two become one flesh, an image of the union of Christ and the church. As name and name give themselves to each other today, we remember that at Cana in Galilee our Lord Jesus Christ made the wedding feast a sign of God’s reign of love.

Let us enter into this celebration confident that, through the Holy Spirit, Christ is present with us now also; we pray that this couple may fulfill God’s purpose for the whole of their lives.

B
M: Name and Name have come to make their marriage vows in the presence of God and of this congregation. Let us now witness their promise to each other and surround them with our prayers, giving thanks to God for the gift of marriage and asking God’s blessing upon them, so that they may be strengthened for their life together and nurtured in their love for God.

We rejoice that marriage is given by God, blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ, and sustained by the Holy Spirit. Therefore, let marriage be held in honor by all.

C
M: The Lord God in goodness created us male and female, and by the gift of marriage founded human community in a joy that begins now and is brought to perfection in the life to come.

Because of sin, our age-old rebellion, the gladness of marriage can be overcast and the gift of the family can become a burden. But because God, who established marriage, continues still to bless it with abundant and ever-present support, we can be sustained in our weariness and have our joy restored.

D
M: Beloved people of God, we have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the covenant of love and fidelity name and name are to make with each other.

The union of two persons in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual, for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and that their love may be a blessing to all whom they encounter. This solemn covenant is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and with commitment to seek God’s will for their lives.



Declaration of Intention

The minister addresses the couple in these or similar words, asking each person in turn:

A
M: Name, will you have name to be your wife/husband, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her/him, comfort her/him, honor and keep her/him, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live?
Response:
B/G: I will.

The minister may address the assembly in these or similar words.
M: Will you, the families of name and name, give your love and blessing to this new family?
C: We will.

The minister says to the assembly:
M: Will all of you, by God’s grace, do everything in your power to uphold and care for these two persons in their life together?
C: We will.


B
M: Name, will you receive name as your wife/husband and bind yourself to her/him in the covenant of marriage? Will you promise to love and honor her/him in true devotion, to rejoice with her/him in times of gladness, to grieve with her/him as long as you both shall live?
Response: I will, with the help of God.

C
M: Name, living in the promise of God, joined in Christ in your baptism; will you give yourself to name in love and faithfulness? Will you share your life with her/him in joy and in sorrow, in health and in sickness, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, and will you be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live?
Response: I will, with the help of God.

Assembly

B
The minister says to the assembly:
M: Families, friends, and all those gathered here with name and name, will you promise to support and care for them in their life together, to sustain and pray for them in times of trouble, to give thanks with them in times of joy, to honor the bonds of their covenant, and to affirm the love of god reflected in their lives?
C: We will, with the help of God.


C

When pastorally appropriate, one or both of these questions may be used when children are brought into the family of those to be married.

The minister may ask the couple:
Name and name, will you be faithful and loving parents to name/s?
Response: We will, with the help of God.

The minister may ask the children:
Name/s, will you help name and name in their marriage?
Response: We will with the help of God.


Prayer of the Day

The presiding minister leads the following or another prayer of the day.
Let us pray.

A
Eternal God, our creator and redeemer, as you gladdened the wedding at Cana in Galilee by the presence of your Son, so bring your joy to this wedding by his presence now. Look in favor upon name and name and grant that they, rejoicing in all your gifts, may at length celebrate the unending marriage feast with Christ our Lord, who lives, and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.
C: Amen.

B
Let us pray. Eternal God, our creator and redeemer, as you gladdened the wedding at Cana in Galilee by the presence of your Son, so bring your joy to this wedding by his presence now. Look in favor upon name and name and grant that they, rejoicing in all your gifts, may at length celebrate the unending marriage feast with Christ our Lord, one God, now and forever.
C: Amen.

Readings
The assembly is seated. Two or three scripture readings are proclaimed. When the service includes communion, the last is a reading from the gospels. Responses may include a psalm in response to a reading from the Old Testament, a sung acclamation preceding the reading of the gospel, or other appropriate hymns, songs, and psalms.

Sermon
Silence for reflection follows.

Hymn of the Day
A hymn of the day may be sung.


Vows
The couple may join hands. Each promises faithfulness to the other in these or similar words.
OPTION A: I take you, name, to be my
I take you; name, to be my wife/husband from this day forward,
to join with you and share all that is to come,
and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us.

OPTION B: In the presence of God
In the presence of God and this community,
I, name, take you, name, to be my wife/husband;
to have and to hold from this day forward,
in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.
This is my solemn vow.

C
I take you; name, to be my wife/husband from this day forward, to join with you and share all that is come, and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us

D
I, name, give myself to you, name. By the grace of god, I promise to support and care for you. In the love of Christ, I promise to love and cherish you. With the Spirit’s help, I promise to be faithful to you, as long as we both shall live.

E
I take you; name, to be my wife/husband, and these things I promise you: I will respect, trust, help, and care for you; I will forgive you as we have been forgiven; and I will share my life with you, through the best and worst of all that is to come, until death parts us.


Giving of Rings
When rings are to be exchanged, they may be placed on the service book of the minister or held by an assisting minister.

The presiding minister may say:
A
Bless these rings, O God; may they who wear them live in love and fidelity, and continue in your service all the days of their lives, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

B
Gracious God, by your blessing let these rings be to name and name a symbol of their unending love and faithfulness, to remind them of the vows and covenant they have made this day, through Jesus Christ. Amen.

C
We give thanks, O God of grace, for your love and faithful to your people. Bless these rings, that they may be symbols of the enduring commitment name and name have made to each other; through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

The couple may exchange rings with these or similar words.
OPTION A: This ring as a sign
Name, I give you this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness.

OPTION B: This ring as a symbol
Name, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow.
With all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you,
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.


Acclamation
The presiding minister addresses the assembly.
M: Name and name, by their promises before God and in the presence of this assembly, have joined themselves to one another as husband and wife.
Those whom God has joined together let no one separate.
C: Amen. Thanks be to God.

The assembly may offer acclamation with applause. A sung acclamation, hymn, or other music may follow.

Other symbols of marriage may be given or used at this time.

Marriage Blessing
The couple may kneel. The presiding minister may extend a hand over the couple while praying for God's blessing in the following or similar words.
A
Most gracious God, we give you thanks for your tender love in sending Jesus Christ to come among us, to be born of a human mother, and to endure the cross for our sake, that we may have abundance of life.
By the power of your Holy Spirit pour out the abundance of your blessing on name and name. Defend them from every enemy. Lead them into all peace. Let your love be a seal upon their hearts, a mantle about their shoulders, and a crown upon their foreheads.
Bless them so that their lives together may bear witness to your love. Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in their sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their life and in their death.
Finally, in your mercy, bring them to that table where your saints feast forever in your heavenly home, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives, and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.
Amen.

B
We give you thanks, most gracious God, for in your great love you created us male and female and made the union of husband and wife an image of the covenant between you and your people. You sent Jesus Christ to come among us, making your love visible in him, to bring new life to the world.
Send you Holy Spirit to pour out the abundance of your blessing on name and name, who have this day given themselves to each other in marriage.
Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in their sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their life and in their death. Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts, a mantle about their shoulders, and a crown upon their foreheads.
Bless them so that all may see in their lives together within the community of your people a vision of your kingdom on earth. And finally, in the fullness of time, welcome them into the glory of your presence.
Through your Son Jesus Christ with the Holy Spirit in your holy church all honor and glory is yours, almighty Father, now and forever. Amen.

B
When a prayer for children is desired, the following words may be included in the blessing immediately before “Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts”: Give them the gift and heritage of children in accordance with your will, and make their home a haven of peace.

C
When children are brought into the family of the newly married couple, the following words may be included in the blessing immediately before “Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts”: You have given them a gift and heritage of children; make their home a haven of peace.

D
Most gracious God, we give you thanks for your tender love in sending Jesus Christ to come among us, to be born of a human mother, and to make the way of the cross to be the way of life.
By the power of your Holy Spirit, pour out your abundant blessing upon name and name. Defend them from every enemy. Lead them from every enemy. Lead them into all peace. Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts, a mantle about their shoulders, and a crown upon their foreheads.
Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in the sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their life and in their death.
Finally in your mercy, bring them to that table where your saints feast forever in your banquet; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who with you and the Holy Spirit lives and reigns, one God, now and forever. Amen.

E
The Lord God, who created our first parents and established them in marriage, establish and sustain you, that you may find delight in each other and grow in holy love until your life’s end. Amen.

Parents or others may speak additional words of blessing and encouragement at this time.

Prayers of Intercession

The assembly stands. Prayers of intercession for the world and its needs may be prayed.

Each petition may end:
M: Gracious and faithful God,
C: hear our prayer.

A
M: Seeing how gently God has loved us, let us pray for the whole world.
For the Christian community everywhere; for the life and ministry of the baptized, and for pastors, leaders, and servant of the Gospel, that the church may be the risen body of Christ in the world. O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For all communities everywhere; for our nation, for all those who govern and for all in authority, and for justice and peace throughout the world. O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For those we love easily, and for those with whom we struggle, for those different from us and for those familiar to us, that we might be instruments of God’s peace. O god, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For those who suffer in any way, and those who are lonely, for the sick, the dying, and those who are bereaved, for those who are poor, hungry, homeless, or unemployed, for the victims of violence, hatred, and intolerance. O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: For all those who are bound to us in love; for our families, friends, and neighbors, remembering also all who have gone before us (especially name/s). O God, source of all life,
C: hear our prayers.
M: Creator of all, you make us in your image and likeness and fill us with everlasting life. Hear the prayers of your people and grant to name and name grace to live in unity and joy all the days of their lives. We ask this through Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit, to whom, with you, one God, be praise forever and ever.
C: Amen.

The presiding minister concludes the prayers, and the assembly responds
Amen.

A service with communion continues with the peace. After the presiding minister greets the assembly, the couple may greet each other with the kiss of peace, and the assembly may greet one another in peace.

PRAYER AFTER COMMUNION
M: Loving God, we thank you that you have fed us in this holy meal, united us with Christ, and given us a foretaste of the marriage feast of the Lamb. So strengthen us in your service that our daily lives may show our thanks, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
C: Amen.


Lord's Prayer

A service without communion continues as follows.
OPTION A: Our Father in heaven
C: Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins
as we forgive those
who sin against us?
Save us from the time of trial
and deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power,
and the glory are yours,
now and forever. Amen

OPTION B: Our Father, who art in heaven
C: Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever. Amen


Peace
If it has not been included earlier in the service, the greeting of peace may be shared.
M: The peace of Christ be with you always.
C: And also with you.

The couple may greet one another with the kiss of peace. All present may greet one another with a gesture of peace, and may say, "Peace be with you," or similar words.

Blessing

The presiding minister proclaims God's blessing in these or similar words.
OPTION A: The blessed and holy Trinity
M: The blessed and holy Trinity
make you strong in faith and love,
defend you on every side,
and guide you in truth and peace,
now and forever.
C: Amen.

OPTION B: God almighty send you light and truth
M: God Almighty send you light and truth
to keep you all the days of your life.
The hand of God protect you;
the holy angels accompany you;
and the blessing of almighty God,
the Father, the + Son, and the Holy Spirit,
be with you now and forever.
C: Amen.

C
M: The blessed and holy Trinity make you strong in faith and love, defend you on every side, and guide you in truth and peace, now and forever.
C: Amen.

Dismissal
An assisting minister may send the assembly forth in these or similar words.
M: Go in peace. Serve the Lord.
C: Thanks be to God.

  Just about to hear "Mr. and Mrs. Peter Andrews" for the first time! Our wedding was an event, but our marriage is a life affirming, life long relationship of Pete and I, and our willingness to form the very foundation of human community. We confidently and unabashedly seek God's help through Jesus Christ.

This quote is the epitome of Pete.

Our first kiss as a married couple.

Our Wedding Portrait

Our Wedding cake and my bouquet.

We were gentle with each other.

Reception

Pete.

"Craving"

Link: All I Really Need (Ft. Kenzie May)

Baby, pull up bad as you wanna be
Goes on trips for the scenery
Take me with. Get me from my door, sir
But don't you dare come any closer

You've been chasing new things, fallin out of love with Molly
And I'm always with Mary, she don't like your good friend Charlie
You don't wanna be lonely, ain't that everybody
Appreciate your service, but I'd only hurt you, sorry

'Cause I'm not here to stay
Pass it, and I'll be on my way
No stems. No seeds, please
That's really all I need
That's really all I need

All I [all I need. all I, all I need] All I really need is
And a [and a bag bag bag] bag to go

Baby boy, tell me I'm all you need
As he sows his seeds in the greenery
And I'm a habit, don't wanna kick it
But I won't be just another mistress

'Cause you'll be missin' always. Say you're getting back with Molly
And you're sick of Mary. Says she don't agree with Charlie
You don't wanna be lonely, ain't that everybody
Appreciate your service, but I'll only hurt you, sorry

'Cause I'm not here to stay
Pass it, and I'll be on my way
No stems. No seeds, please
that's really all I need
that's really all I need

All I [all I need. all I, all I need] All I really need is
And a [and a bag bag bag] bag to go

Link: How High You Are

And I don't care how high you are

Today they take me by surprise
I'm gripping on to where I think I should arrive
We lie so vacant in the dark
Take me now so I can't wake up
And drift away

And I don't care how high you are
Don't be on mine... inhale the dark
And I don't care how high you are
Don't wake me up till we arrive

And I don't (x16)
And I don't care how high you are
Don't be on mine...
And I don't care how high you are
Don't wake me up till we arrive

Link: Takin' Pills
She's on the highest dose of Prozac a woman can take.
She likes to pop her pain pills with every little ache.
She's got a Tennessee mountain point of view,
If you're gonna have one might as well have two.

Raised up right in the hills of Kentucky,
Although she ain't gonna smile 'til she lights up her Lucky.
No filter on her mouth or her cigarettes
Oh, baby, what you're lookin' at is what you get.

Yeah, we owe 400 dollars to the boys in the band,
Gas light's blinking on our broke down van.
We're living on truck stop burgers and fries,
Crossing our fingers for a vacancy sign.
Well, who in the hell is gonna pay these bills
When one's drinking, one's smoking, one's taking pills?

She's a rooting tootin' pistol from the Lone Star state.
She mixes up a double at the break of everyday.
She might get crazy but she don't get mean
Until some drunk cowboy asks her to sing.

Yeah, we owe 400 dollars to the boys in the band,
Gas light's blinking on our broke down van.
We're living on truck stop burgers and fries,
Crossing our fingers for a vacancy sign.
Well, who in the hell is gonna pay these bills
When one's drinking, one's smoking, one's taking pills?

Well, we ain't ashamed of who we are.
We like fast men and cheap guitars.
Ain't trying to get rich just trying to get by
By playing for tips on a Saturday night

'Cause we owe 400 dollars to the boys in the band,
Gas light's blinking on our broke down van.
We're living on truck stop burgers and fries,
Crossing our fingers for a vacancy sign.
Well, who in the hell is gonna pay these bills

When one's drinking, one's smoking, one's taking pills?

Link: Dear Sobriety

My hands are shaking

But I can still pour the mistake that I'm making
And I'll pour one more
It runs in my family, it runs in my blood
And just like my daddy, I can't get enough
Every last drop I say is the last
Then I drive to the store and I fill up my glass

Dear Sobriety
Please come back to me
I left you high and dry
I'm doomed for good this time
I swore I wouldn't be
I'm making a fool of me
I need you desperately
Dear Sobriety

Two years I gave in and I did not sway
And I swore to my family I'd keep it that way
Saved by the good Lord and hurt in their eyes
But life would back splatter and I compromise
If heartache won't kill you, you find something that will
And it turns out this battle is only uphill

Dear Sobriety
Please come back to me
I left you high and dry
I'm doomed for good this time
I swore I wouldn't be
Oh but I'm making a fool of me
I need you desperately
Dear Sobriety

Dear Sobriety
Please come back to me
I left you high and dry
I'm doomed for good this time
I swore I wouldn't be
Oh but I'm making a fool of me
I need you desperately
Dear Sobriety

Relapse and Cravings

90 Percent Have at Least One Relapse After Treatment

Similar relapse rates for alcohol, nicotine, and heroin addiction suggest that the relapse mechanism for many addictive disorders may share common biochemical, behavioral, or cognitive components. Thus, integrating relapse data for different addictive disorders may provide new perspectives for relapse prevention.

Impaired control has been suggested as a determinant for relapse, yet is defined differently among investigators. Keller suggested that impaired control has two meanings: the unpredictability of an alcoholic's choice to refrain from the first drink and the inability to stop drinking once started. Other investigators limit the use of "impaired control" to the inability to stop drinking once started. They suggest that one drink does not lead inevitably to uncontrolled drinking. Research has shown that severity of dependence affects the ability to stop drinking after the first drink.

Several relapse theories utilize the concept of craving. Use of the term "craving" in a variety of contexts, however, has led to confusion about its definition. Some behavioral researchers argue that the idea of craving is circular, hence meaningless, since in their view, craving can only be recognized retrospectively by the fact that the subject drank.

They deemphasize physiological urges and stress the relationship between the behavior of drinking and environmental stimuli that prompt the behavior. On the other hand, Ludwig and Stark (5) find no problem with the term "craving": craving is recognized simply by asking whether a subject who has not yet drunk alcohol feels a need for it, much as one can inquire about another person's hunger before he or she eats. Ludwig and associates suggested that alcoholics experience classical conditioning (Pavlovian), by pairing external (e.g., familiar bar) and internal (e.g., negative mood states) stimuli to the reinforcing effects of alcohol.

This theory suggests that craving for alcohol is an appetitive urge, similar to hunger, that varies in intensity and is characterized by withdrawal-like symptoms. The symptoms are elicited by internal and external cues that evoke memory of the euphoric effects of alcohol and of the discomfort of withdrawal.

Physiological responses to alcohol cues have been described. For example, research has shown that exposure to alcohol, without consumption, can stimulate an increased salivary response in alcoholics . Similarly, skin conductance levels and self-reported desire for alcohol were correlated for alcoholic subjects in response to alcohol cues; the relationship was strongest for those most severely dependent. Alcoholics demonstrated significantly greater and more rapid insulin and glucose responses than nonalcoholics following the consumption of a placebo beer.

Several relapse prevention models incorporate the concept of self-efficacy, which states that an individual's expectations about his or her ability to cope in a situation will affect the outcome. According to Marlatt and colleagues, the transition from the initial drink following abstinence (lapse) to excessive drinking (relapse) is influenced by an individual's perception of and reaction to the first drink.

High-Risk Situations

These investigators formulated a cognitive-behavioral analysis of relapse, positing that relapse is influenced by the interaction of conditioned high-risk environmental situations, skills to cope with the high-risk situations, level of perceived personal control (self-efficacy), and the anticipated positive effects of alcohol.

An analysis of 48 episodes revealed that most relapses were associated with three high-risk situations: frustration and anger, social pressure, and interpersonal temptation. Cooney and associates supported this model by demonstrating that, among alcoholics, exposure to alcohol cues was followed by diminished confidence in the ability to resist drinking.

Marlatt and Gordon (3,20) argue that an alcoholic must assume an active role in changing drinking behavior. Marlatt advises the individual to achieve three basic goals: modify lifestyle to enhance the ability to cope with stress and high-risk situations (increase self-efficacy); identify and respond appropriately to internal and external cues that serve as relapse warning signals; and implement self-control strategies to reduce the risk of relapse in any situation.

 From NIAAA

Signs and symptoms of withdrawal that have led me back to drinking or "pill popping" are in pink.

Withdrawal effects caused by sedative-hypnotics discontinuation, such as benzodiazepines, barbiturates, or alcohol, can cause serious medical complications. They are cited to be more hazardous to withdraw from than opiates. Users typically receive little advice and support for discontinuation. Some withdrawal symptoms are identical to the symptoms for which the medication was originally prescribed, and can be acute or protracted in duration. Onset of symptoms from long half-life benzodiazepines might be delayed for up to three weeks, although withdrawal symptoms from short-acting ones often present early, usually within 24–48 hours. There may be no fundamental differences in symptoms from either high or low dose discontinuation, but symptoms tend to be more severe from higher doses.

Daytime reemergence and rebound withdrawal symptoms, sometimes called interdose withdrawal, may occur once dependence has set in. Reemergence is the return of symptoms for which the drug was initially prescribed, in contrast, rebound symptoms are a return of the symptoms for which the benzodiazepine was initially taken for, but at a more intense level than before. Withdrawal symptoms, on the other hand, may appear for the first time during dose reduction, and include insomnia, anxiety, distress, weight loss, panic, depression, derealization, and paranoia, and are more commonly associated with short-acting benzodiazepines discontinuation, like triazolam. Daytime symptoms can occur after a few days to a few weeks of administration of nightly benzodiazepine use or z-drugs such as zopiclone; withdrawal-related insomnia rebounds worse than baseline even when benzodiazepines are used intermittently.

The following symptoms may emerge during gradual or abrupt dosage reduction:

Aches and pains
Agitation and restlessness
Akathisia
Anxiety, possible terror and panic attacks
Blurred vision
Chest pain
Depersonalization
Depression (can be severe),possible ideation
Derealisation
Diarrhoea
Dilated pupils
Dizziness
Double vision
Dry mouth
Dysphoria
Electric shock sensations
Elevation in blood pressure
Fatigue and weakness
Flu-like symptoms
Gastrointestinal problems
Hearing impairment
Headache
Hot and cold spells
Hyperosmia
Hypertension
Hypnagogia-hallucinations
Hypochondriasis
Increased sensitivity to touch
Increased sensitivity to sound
Increased urinary frequency
Indecision
Insomnia
Impaired concentration
Impaired memory and concentration
Loss of appetite and weight loss
Metallic taste
Mild to moderate Aphasia
Mood swings
Muscular spasms cramp or fasciculations
Nausea and vomiting
Nightmare
Numbness and tingling
Obsessive compulsive disorder
Paraesthesia
Paranoia
Perception that stationary objects are moving
Perspiration
Photophobia
Postural hypotension
REM sleep rebound
Restless legs syndrome
Sounds louder than usual
Stiffness
Taste and smell disturbances
Tachycardia
Tinnitus
Tremor
Visual disturbances

An abrupt or over-rapid discontinuation of benzodiazepines may result in a more serious and very unpleasant withdrawal syndrome that may additionally result in:

                                (Both of these pictures were taken during over-rapid withdrawal.)

Management

Psychological interventions may provide a small but significant additional benefit over gradual dose reduction alone at post-cessation and at follow-up. The psychological interventions studied were relaxation training, cognitive-behavioral treatment of insomnia, and self-monitoring of consumption and symptoms, goal-setting, management of withdrawal and coping with anxiety

With sufficient motivation and the proper approach, almost anyone can successfully withdraw from benzodiazepines. However, a prolonged and severe syndrome can lead to collapsed marriages, business failures, bankruptcy, committal to a hospital, and the most serious adverse effect, suicide. As such, long-term users should not be forced to discontinue against their will. Over-rapid withdrawal, lack of explanation, and failure to reassure individuals that they are experiencing temporary withdrawal symptoms led some people to experience increased panic and fears they are going mad, with some people developing a condition similar to post-traumatic stress disorder as a result. A slow withdrawal regimen, coupled with reassurance from family, friends, and peers improves the outcome.

According to the British National Formulary, it is better to withdraw too slowly rather than too quickly from benzodiazepines. The rate of dosage reduction is best carried out so as to minimize the symptoms' intensity and severity. Anecdotally, a slow rate of reduction may reduce the risk of developing a severe protracted syndrome.

Long half-life benzodiazepines like diazepam or chlordiazepoxide are preferred to minimize rebound effects, and are available in low potency dose forms. Some people may not fully stabilize between dose reductions, even when the rate of reduction is slowed. Such people sometimes simply need to persist as they may not feel better until they have been fully withdrawn from them for a period of time.

My Story:

I'll make it short and sweet. 

I lapsed. 

Let's just say writing about abuse one day, and a toxic relationship the next messes you up occasionally. (well the abuse does) No matter how long ago these took place, and that you are no longer in contact with the individuals. Reliving it awakens the nightmares.

The Difference Between a Slip and a Relapse

The Dangers of Relapse

Picking up alcohol or drugs again is always a bad choice for people in recovery. The extent of the damage caused by this will usually be determined by the speed by which people can quit again. Some individuals will be able to stop right away while others will rapid fall back into their addiction. In some cases those who return to their abuse will never manage to stop again – this means that their return to addiction is likely to be a death sentence. It is vital that those who relapse understand that they can still build a successful life in recovery. The sooner they can stop again the better it will be for them.

The Difference between a Slip and a Relapse

A slip is considered to be a less serious occurrence than a relapse. Both events are negative, but they differ in the degree of impact they will have on the life of the individual. Slips are when people pick up alcohol or drugs after a period of sobriety but stop again almost right away. They might have had one night where they returned to their former behavior but realized right away that it was a mistake. As soon as they sobered up they were able to return to life in recovery. A slip is often a spur of the moment event and not something that the individual has been planning.

A relapse is far more serious than a slip because it means that the individual has returned to their former addiction. The word relapse means to fall again. It often starts off as a slip, but then progresses from there. This relapse may last for days or it could be longer than this. It may mean that the current attempt to escape addiction has been completely abandoned. The individual might never have another opportunity to give up alcohol or drugs. The person who relapses can easily end up right back where they started if they don’t stop quickly. The fact that the individual has experienced life away from alcohol or drugs may mean that addiction is more painful than ever.

How a Slip Turns Into a Relapse

Even a brief return to substance abuse is a big mistake for people trying to recover from addiction. A slip is a setback, but it doesn’t have to progress into a full-blown relapse. It is understandable that people will feel guilty and a bit ashamed of their slip, but feeling this way can also be highly dangerous – it also benefits nobody. They may convince themselves that all is lost and so the only option is to resume their addiction like before. This type of thinking is not only highly destructive, but it is also completely wrong. A slip can be the turning point in recovery because it indicates that people have been doing something wrong. If these individuals can learn from the incident it may mean that their recovery will be stronger than ever before.
How to Avoid a Slip Turning Into a Relapse

If people have a slip it means that their recovery is now on very shaky ground. In order to avoid a full-blown relapse they will need to take action such as:

* The most important thing is for the individual to not engage in any further alcohol or drug abuse. The thinking of the person who has slipped can be treacherous. They may believed that as they have already taken alcohol or drugs there is no reason not to use some more – the idea that they might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. They will promise themselves that they will stop tomorrow, but they can use the same justifications then. It is vital that people stop any further substance abuse right away.
* Those who belong to a support group should seek assistance right away. If they have a sponsor they can get in contact with this person for advice and support. They should get to a meeting as soon as possible. People do feel embarrassed that they’ve slipped, but it is crucial that they admit to it.
* In order to avoid relapse the individual needs to redouble their efforts in recovery. Staying sober has to once again become the priority in their life, and they need to be willing to do whatever it takes to stay free of addiction. They will need to learn more about the relapse process and relapse triggers, and how to avoid these.
* Slips often occur when people are bored in recovery. It is therefore advisable that they look at this and think of productive ways to fill their time.
* A slip always happens for a reason and if the cause is not found then it is likely to occur again. The individual needs to conduct an honest assessment of their recent behavior to see where they have gone wrong.
* Those people who have past recently through a rehab should make use of the aftercare services available.
Dealing with Relapse

Even if people have fully returned to their addiction they can still call a halt to their decent. The longer they leave this the harder it will be. Feelings of shame and failure are to be avoided because these just feed the addiction. The important thing is to look to the future. The time already spent in recovery will not be wasted so long as the individual can once again put a halt to the abuse. Perhaps the reminder of how bad things can be in addiction will mean that they are more motivated to stay sober in the future.

What I needed was my husband.

I prayed hard.

He walked in the door.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine_withdrawal_syndrome)