Hozier: Take Me to Church
"Take Me To Church"
My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshiped her sooner
If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week
'We were born sick,' you heard them say it
My Church offers no absolutes.
She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you—
I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.
[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life
If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice
Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful
That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work
[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life
No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin
In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am Human
Only then I am Clean
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.
[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life
These past 8 years have seemed like an endless cycle of one challenge after another, but with each cycle of challenges have come many wonderful blessings, and periods of growth. There have been many times that it seems as one challenge comes to an end, another one is birthed. There have been several friendships I have lost in the last eight years due to the seemingly endless cycle of "one thing after another," and friends getting sickened by it. I have already discussed many of the hardships I have faced in the previous posts, so I will not rehash them once again. Instead, I want to focus on how I have remained strong, or pulled myself back up; when it seems as though life is "playing a joke on me", and how I live with self-respect while revealing so much publicly that could potentially (and has) created great criticism.
One thing I want to say, before I talk about the topics mentioned just previously, is that it has taken me this whole eight year period to get to where I am today; and much of these mindsets and strategies I will discuss have only come into fruition in the last six to eight months. I say this because I want to let anyone who is reading "Stigmas and Stilettos", who may relate to past posts within this blog, know that obtaining strength takes time, and many times we have to endure much pain to become the person we dream of becoming. I also want to say that there are seasons of strength, and seasons of perceived weakness. We may feel and appear strong for a long time, and then something will humble us, bring us to our knees, and cause us to surrender in order to get back up again. I read the funny, and extremely true quote, "God gives the biggest battles to his strongest warriors. In that case, God must think I'm a badass." For most of my life I have felt small, weak, and inferior. Only in the last year have I come to see that I truly am a "badass". I say that with a humorous smile.
One aspect to my personality that I have had to pay close attention to, and refine many times over, is my strong bent to want to "people please" and have "everybody" like me. To some who may read that last sentence they may think, "Isn't that a good thing?" Yes, it has good aspects to it, but honestly it is debilitating and exhausting. It is even more crushing when you have any kind of mood disorder. For so much of my life I lived wearing a mask (as I have talked about in previous posts). As "loud and proud" as I came across during previous years, I actually hid so much strife and challenges. People may think this is ironic now (and my insecurity says people may wish I was still like this), I used to rarely talk openly about the battles I was going through; especially in a public forum. A big reason for this is the idea of people criticizing me, getting annoyed by my story, flat out not liking me, or saying unkind things about me would completely bring down my spirit. I was truly way more concerned about what how other people perceived me, then I was about how I perceived myself. I ignored, pushed aside, or covered so much of my anguish that there finally came several points that I simply broke down or blew up with those I was closest with; friends and family.
Once I left my abusive relationship, and began dating again, I met a man who allowed me to open up with him. We only saw each other one time, but we emailed back-and-forth for months. Due to the fact that I had not met someone up until that point who made me feel comfortable enough to truly "let it all out" I completely became a "word vomiter" with him. It was not uncommon for me to write him several times a day. Also, the fact that I could write him, and write my thoughts out (As I do now in this blog), became extremely therapeutic. It also became my crutch (which is unhealthy). There was a point that I thought I was addicted to him, when really I just became "addicted" to finally getting my years of pent up emotions and perceived "obsessions" out of my head, and into tangible writing. Also, just the idea of sending out my thoughts in an email (or out into the public at all) was therapeutic. It was actually a "high" that I had never experienced, especially with a man. Of course, as stated previously; I confused the "high" of "outing" my pain in writing, and into the "world", as a "high" for him as an individual. Really, it was nothing to do with him, but merely an example of an unhealthy therapeutic experience that I had never had before. Of course, once I realized that writing, basically an acquaintance is not something I should continue; I did everything I needed to do to cut that tie. Strangers have been close friends many times in my life.
The point I am getting to is that writing has become one of the best ways for me to feel "sane" now that I have found a much healthier outlet for it. Again, sometimes you need to struggle to gain strength and find the answers you are looking for. What I learned from that experience is that there are people who are able to truly listen to you, and genuinely want to be there for you, no matter how "crazy" the stories and feelings you share with them may seem. Before that "email frenzy" I truly believed no one would ever be able to understand me, or give me hope. I definitely needed more boundaries, face-to-face communication, loving embrace and support; but at least I knew afterwards that even in the murky waters, there is always going to be someone there for you when you are lost...no matter how much of a stranger they may seem at first. I believe God also wanted me to see that men outside of my family are capable of listening to me, showing compassion, and never abandoning me when I am being vulnerable. When I ended that "relationship" I felt so much more comfortable being open, and having others know my weaknesses...It also helped me be open with my husband when we first started dating. I was able to see that just because you feel something and talk about pain, does not mean there has to be a terrible consequence, or end in me getting hurt.
I was able to no longer fear my feelings.
Writing is one of a few ways I stay "sane" when everyone is calling me "crazy". I will write about the other ways soon.
More to come.
